Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ameri-can't Idol

Is it just me or are we plagued yearly by those American Idol contestants that have no business making it to the top 12, let alone the top 50 or even top 10,000 for that matter?

There are always strange twists and sometimes even those we expect to see go sailing through the competition, get the boot early on.

I'm not all into it like I have been in years past but I pop in on the Fox network to see what's going on each week. Last week, I wasn't too surprised with the outcome - other than the top voted female. I mean she aight but I don't wanna see her week after week. One young lady named Tatiana (right) who I felt could do well vocally with her smoky soulful sound was a complete and utter wreck in the personality department. It was actually painful to watch her. And when she was eliminated, I laughed my ass off at how juvenile she responded. I was rather shocked and she should be embarrassed. Dude named Anoop (below), who could easily pass for Sanjaya's (remember her?...I mean him?) tamer, less lady-like cousin, was a decent singer but they sent him home last week too, to my surprise.

I wanted see one of the very few Black faces make it through. Stephen Fowler (left)
has a really nice voice but he chose the wrong song. We know how that goes. I love "Rock with You" by Micheal Jackson but no, Stephen. No. The 2 fellas that made it are OK and that's really all I can say about them. LOL

Wednesday night I was disgusetd to see the antics of a certain Nick Mitchell (below right). What the F*CK? Get off the stage. How in the hell did you steal a real singer's chance with your unfunny buffoonery and lack of singing talent? Are you for real? I guess.

Then there were the 2 sistas from that night. Jeanine and Jasmine. How disappointing. I don't believe they sung what fit them. Sing something that means something. Where are the Fantasia's of AI? The Latoya London's? The Melinda Doolittle'? s REPRESENT SISTAS!! Please? I'm kinda glad they were sent home last night. I'm very glad Allison Iraheta made it through and also Adam Lambert (left) (this glam-rocker lookin dude can SQUALL. You better holla white boy! LOL). 18 year old Mishavonna was good too but maybe not really ready. And I can't say a word about any of it cause I didn't vote. Oops. LOL

I don't get all excited about the show like I used to. I just like to see how terrible singers get up there and butcher great songs or choose the wrong ones! Like I said, not expecting much this year but I'm sure I will be commenting from time to time on the parade of disappointment.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Molestation to Maturity

I'm about to share something with you guys that I have only mentioned in vague affirmative to about 3 other people in my entire life. It involves a subject of a very sensitive nature as you can tell by the title. The thing is, I have such secured thoughts and pent up emotion, fears, and wonder when it comes to this topic. It is a hidden, though very real, part of my life's history.

I grew up in a large and very religious family unit. We were close with our extended families as well as our immediate aunts, uncles, and cousins etc. This fostered what would appear to be a very safe and enjoyable environment to grow up around. And for the most part, I have fond memories of holidays and sleep-overs with my first and second cousins. Dinners and games and the list goes on. We had a tight bond and life was pretty cool for me as a child.

I recall though, at the the age of 6 or 7, during the time of being at my grandparents home on one particular night, I was told to sleep in bed with my 16 year old uncle Larry because there was a house full of adults and children alike. You slept where you could! It was no biggie and I obliged. It beat sleeping on the floor any day. However, on that night, something very strange occurred. Here I am sleeping soundly in bed with my basketball star uncle with the jheri curl that swung when he dribbled the orange ball up and down the court during his high school games. The same uncle that frequently had beautiful young ladies calling the house and dropping by my grandparents home to get his attention. The same uncle who was the baby of all the siblings. My mother's little brother. The uncle with pranks and jokes who made everyone laugh. Who made everyone comfortable - including myself......... so it didn't bother me so much (however strange) that during the night, he decided to "spoon" with me. I'm a young child feeling safe and accepted and comfy in the arms of my "cool" uncle Larry. Things might have been alright if it ended there, but true to form, it progressed to other activities. To spare you the gory details I can tell you that I assisted him in gettin his rocks off and I had no idea where that sticky stuff was coming from as it seemed to just appear between my legs after a period or rubbing and gyrating my body on top of his. There was never any penetration, nothing ever hurt me physically, and truth be told, I felt special that he chose to be that close to me for whatever reason he chose to at the time. I had no concept of sex, so it wasn't something that I got that kind of pleasure from. He didn't even have to tell me not to tell anyone what happened. I was happy with this secret. My cool uncle Larry must think I'm cool too! He didn't take my virginity as it were, but he did take my innocence. I was seeing things that a young boy should not see (erect penis, pubic hair, and ejaculate..moaning and groaning of a practically grown man). I never understood it and strangely didn't question it either.

As the next 2-3 years went on, this activity continued until my family moved out state. Once I began to learn about abuse and molestation, I realized that I was actually a victim myself. But why didn't I feel the same as these traumatized people?? I did feel used and questions began to accumulate as I grew into adulthood and I wondered if what happened to me as a boy actually affected or somehow caused my growing attraction to those of the same sex.

Needless to say, I'm sure (with my upbringing), I tried like hell to repress my feelings because I didn't want to go to hell for being a sissy. I dated numerous girls. My wet dreams involved females only and I really like spending time with "the ladies" and engaging in sexual talk with them. But I never had sex until I was sixteen and was shown the ropes by another dude. He eased my d*ck into his warm a$$ and I almost passed out from the pleasure. It was familiar yet not so much. And felt comfortable. Natural even. So the age-old question of us being BORN GAY, still marinates in my mind. I believe with the emotions and depth of feelings I have carried for brothas that I never have for a woman, I truly cannot come to a conclusion. Even after having been married to a wonderful woman whose story I lost interest in reading and who never wanted to see the full me. I just know what I know and feel what I feel.

To this day, I have not confronted my uncle with what took place between us those innumerable times and I never told my parents. He never acted any different and has never treated me better or worse than anyone else. He talks to me like nothing ever happened and I truly would love to crawl into his head and read his thoughts when he sees me. There is no way he doesn't remember. Could he have blocked it out? Does he feel it was of no effect on me? I have other male cousins younger than myself and I wonder if they went through it too. Uncle Larry married and had a son of his own! Did he mess with him too? Many times this behavior perpetuates and repeats itself but I have never even fathomed the thought of touching a child in a sexual way. Child molesters repulse me to be honest. Also, many children who are abused, find themselves with very little sexual inhibition as they get older. I have had some issues there from time to time: having sex just because or having pity sex or having more than one sexual partner at a time or more than one sexual partner within the same day. In the past few years I have reeled myself in from such things. Thank God. But for whatever reason uncle Larry is uncle Larry and he's still pretty cool to me. A couple years ago I chose not to hold unforgiveness and bitterness but I'm not too sure I have truly dealt with it in a healing sort of way.

I haven't had a complete thought on this issue...ever...until now. I'm glad I have this forum to sort my reflections and feelings a little. Thanks to you for "listening".

Friday, February 20, 2009

I'm addicted to CARMEX

It's really a damn shame. And a little embarassing. LOL

OK, so I am dressed and ready to dash out the door to work this morning. It's Friday and I can wear jeans so I wake up at the last minute, shower and do what I do. On the way to the door I check my pockets for the essentials. These include my wallet, my keys, my security badge for work and my CARMEX!! The latter of which is no where to be found. PANIC. I'm tearing up stuff. Checkin my slacks from yesterday. Checked the bathroom. Checked under the bed. Checked behind the dresser. Checked alllll over the car. Can you believe, I was almost in tears trying to find this stupid little stick of frickin CARMEX?? LOL Plus I was soon running late for work, pulling my dreads out over something that cost me like a $1.19. Told you I have OCD tendencies. Issues and problems. I finally found it in the chest pocket of my coat once I decided I could possibly make it thru the day without it and still not need therapy. LOL

SIDENOTE: What happened to the mint flavored Carmex? They used to sell em at Walgreen's and now they have disappeared. I went online and found ONE, count em, 1, single, solo stick of mint flavored Carmex for $16 and change. The devil is a liar!!!
I know you have your own outrageous addictions. Feel free to share.... I have no room to judge. LOL

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

You can get with this! Or you can get with that!

Yo fellas! I've been so frickin busy and I actually just returned from somewhat of a vacation over the "long" weekend. Life is back to normal now, though....sort of. I briefly gave a rundown of the 4 plus years that Soldierboy and I have been giving each other various doses of joy and pain. I also mentioned that we recently have been spending many hours together and to be honest it's been pretty nice. Valentine's day was sweet and all. I even told him I love him because I do - despite the fact that I'm in a state of uncertainty when it comes to completely tearing down my walls. I've removed bricks and allowed his words and gestures to gently stroke me again in those protected places of my heart.

In all that, I failed to mention that someone else is in the picture. As you can imagine, this dude showed up out of the blue. Flashed that smile and gave me butterflies. Made my hands sweaty when we'd see each other. Got me feelin some kinda way when I wasn't lookin. I'll call him Shine (due to the way I light up when he's around). He is slim and chocolate brown. Handsome with dark eyebrows and boyish charm. He is a friend of a friend. This mutual friend lives in another state and made sure Shine and I met since we now live in the same city. At first I thought he was cute but unassuming. But our conversation over Olive Garden salad and breadsticks turned him into a mystery unfolding. I was smitten by the end of the night. Of course there was much more to see and discover and I felt adventurous. Mind you, this was during the time that Soldierboy and I were on sharp rocks and I was free to be me. I pursued Shine in a subtle way. Never overbearing in my approach to potential boyfriends, lovers, suitors, whatever you wanna call em. He caught my hints. The look in his chestnut-brown eyes and the bulge in his pants whenever we'd give those "See you later" hugs told me he was feelin me too. When we talk its hushed and warm, almost seductive. But I never wanted to rush him because he seems so bashful and reserved. The couple months that we have hung out and integrated a few friends over dinner or a movie have been bittersweet because we have unspoken feelings for each other and it's painfully obvious. I won't say I love him. I don't. But it's something. I buy him gifts on the whim and text him everytime I think about him. He does the same things. I ALMOST feel like I'm cheating on Soldierboy now that we are seeing wasup. But Shine and I have not so much as even kissed. I'm in turmoil. I mean, do I go for what I know and stick to the familiar yet tainted life I've been living or open up and take a chance at something that could possibly be a dream come true???

Friday, February 6, 2009

40 Random Truths Bout Me

This list is a relatively short but I just wanted to throw some stuff out there!!

*I'm a PK and a military brat.

*I've lived in 9 different cities, 5 states, 2 countries.

*My favorite color is GREEN (color of life...oh and MONEY).

*My favorite food is Italian.

*I hate flower prints on ANYTHING in my house.

*I lost my virginity when I was 16 to another 16 year old dude.

*I want to visit Egypt, Italy, and Japan very soon. Just because.

*Sometimes I laugh so loud I have to tell MYSELF to keep it down.

*I used to drink Dr. Pepper with every meal - including breakfast.

*I tend to wear Hip Hop gear. Considered the 'thug' amongst my group of friends but I'm totally not a thug.

*I would never date a thug but that saggin is fuckin SEXY!

*I have a wild addiction to the male ass! I stare on the cool. Love pics especially when there is hair down there. LOVE it.

*I own so many CDs that I have them stored at three different locations.

*I want children but I don't want to get married again.

*Oh yeah - I was married once.

*As a kid I loved fried bologna and grape jelly sandwiches. Now I DETEST bologna!

*During sex I am very very oral. I will put my mouth about anywhere.

*I've had sex in cars, bathrooms, clubs, and outside.

*I still wonder why Smurfette was the only female Smurf. I bet she was BUSY!!

*I have an Ipod but I've never used it.

*I sing

*I write

*I draw

*I paint

*I was a thespain in high school.

*On stage, I've played a preacher, a British guy, a cave dweller, a child, a gay prince (LOL), a dancer, a Puerto Rican gangster, an abusive father, and a judge.

*My best feature is my lips (not counting my third leg. LOL)

*I love 80s "Soft Rock" music.

*I wear glasses just for the look.

*The movie 'Candyman' actually scared me.

*I used to have a huge crush on Tevin Campbell.

*I've listened to grown folks music since I was 10.

*I will mix Vodka with....anything.

*I've never lost or broken a cell phone.

*I have OCD tendencies.

*I've never hit my nieces or nephews and I buy them random stuff.

*I smoked weed once and it made me hella horny. And hungry too, of course.

*I say LisaRaye is the most beautiful, sexy, fine woman EVER.

*I think that's quite enough

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Whitney lookin goooood!

Whitney Houston receives a standing ovation when she takes the stage at the 2nd Annual BET Honors Award Ceremony, held in D.C this year. Houston was there to present an award to honoree Tyler Perry. The event, hosted by Gabrielle Union, will air on BET February 9th.


I am excited to see what happens. She indeed LOOKS far better than I have observed in years. So let's hope that the woman who was the object of my affection during my puberty still has at least some of what it takes to make a solid comeback. It's been a long time coming so let's hope for the best. I don't know if she is performing at the awards show. There was no mention of that but hopefully in the near future, a living legend can regain her composure AND her throne. Some 'blasts from the past' need to remain in obscurity, but the industry could use what Whitney has if she delivers it right: real music and powerhouse vocals. We've seen the emergence of some real singers lately like Ledisi and Jazzmine Sullivan and Fantasia and Jennifer Hudson nem....but this is one lady I wouldn't mind seeing rejoin the ranks.

I'ma cut this ho

I think we all have at least that one co-worker that just irks the living crap out of us! Well mine is this 200% white lady named Beth (I didn't change the name) who looks way older than she is, I've found. As it is she sits directly across from me. All that seperates our cubicles is a little half wall. I'm tellin you I'm gonna bring in some old cardboard boxes and build a WHOLE wall with office desk tape and push pins and staples!!!! She annoys me with incesent stories about her BIG FUN times at the buffet or at Wal-Mart with the fat hubby and their little fat offspring. I just smile and throw in a "Wow" or a "Are you serious?" with buttloads of fake sincerity and disinterest. She doesn't get it.

But adding insult to injury, she decides to come to work for the past week and a half with the most mack truck sounding cough I have ever heard. Sounds like she is chokin' on a Doberman. Take that germ-infested bark to the house and kill it with good drugs like the rest of us do! Our office is generally pretty quiet until she erupts!! Half the time I jump and consequently roll my eyes so hard I think I'm bout to pass out. I'm not insensitive to the sick but she has health insurance (she was so forthcoming in tellin me all the details about the policy *rolls eyes again*)... so USE IT! And did I mention she smokes like a '72 Pinto?? Must be 10 packs a day. She takes more smoke breaks than should be allowed by law and brings that funk into my vicinity and then spreads all that gunk together so I can inhale it. She and my boss are buddies and I wish he would move her hackin ass down there by HIS office. I don't need this agitation and disturbance! Oh, but let me sneeze and she will be the first one screaming "DISINFECT!! HAHAHA" You ain't funny, ho!

I am furious and just had to tell somebody. LOL

Monday, February 2, 2009

Weekend Woes

There really ain't much to get excited about concerning my weekend. I did spend a considerable amount of time with Soldierboy. But we just ate and laid up lookin stupid. No sex or NOTHIN. GGRRRR The only time I was really away from him was when I dropped in on a birthday party for good homie. wasn't a party. It was a dinner! Since when did we get so old that we don't have good old-fashioned parties anymore? DANG!! Turn some music on in this joint. LOL But there is a time and place for I only stayed a couple hours. Other than that, I attended church on Sunday and them folks must have bucked and danced for blood up in there! Good 'ol sanctified church. Gotta love it. Pastor preached a powerful word and he sung his heart out at the end of service. I know every pastor swears they can sing but mine actually can. LOL

I slept through the Super Bowl. *shrugs* Who performed the half-time show anyway??

All I really felt like doing was sleeping. It's entirely too cold to be running the streets. The hawk was out and I hate for my face to be cold. So yeah. I slept. Alot. How boring. Maybe I AM getting old.

Is it really February already?? Time is flying by so gangsta. I really have to commit to accomplishing something significant this year. Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up for now...but I'm so serious.