Emotional Rollercoaster

Hi guys! Sooo yeah, it's been ages right? I think some followers have fallen away and I see many of those I was/am following have kinda slipped into the shadows too, no new blog updates in like...forever. Thing with me is I have been beat up, down, and all around for the past year and a half. Relocated, leaving Soldierboy and Shine and countless friends and newfound family in the past, so to speak. I mean I do still communicate with both of them on a platonic level. Soldierboy and I have actually been quite cordial and spark up nostalgia often in our convos. He's the genuine article I must admit. I miss the nigga...alot, and often. *sigh* But there all many miles between us now and he's kinda moved on.

Fast forward to the present present (LOL) I have been on a fuckin rollercoaster ride with this new dude in my new city. I will call him Supastar. This guy was after me for months on end and I resisted for several reasons. Knew he wasnt ready for a serious relationship and refused to give up the ass when I tried to tap it so I wasn't wasting my time. Shit...... anyway, eventually I gave in and fell in love when I let my guard down. What does this fool do? He stomps on my heart. Not intentionally I'm sure, but he does, nonetheless. Don't know how to act. Don't know how to communicate, avoids calls and texts... NOBODIES phone dies that often, dude. I ain't stupid. Then he gets defensive and runs away when I confront him. I get pissed and tell him to go to hell and then guess what I do? Go right back. As soon as he calls and says he wants to see me I'm there. He smiles and I crumble, smellin all good and lookin all sexy. FUCK! I hate love....

"I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. Loving you ain't nothing healthy, loving you was never good for me. but I can't get off."

What about us?

Maybe I'm trippin but I am pissed off at Shine. I really don't have much room to be since he and I don't officailly date and have never expressed any real feelings beyond friendship but I found out some disturbing news about him yesterday evening.

HE'S DATING THIS CHICK FROM MY CHURCH!

I really have to sort all this out in my head. From what I was innocently told by one of our friends, they just started seeing each other. But where I find issue is that he and I have become very very good friends and we flirt feverishly and stuff and there is no way he could have possibly figured I wouldn't find out, right? I mean seriously! Like I said, she goes to church with me! I know I'm way off base even having a problem with his decision. As it is, I am kinda "seeing" Soldierboy again but I've been holding myself back while I sorted feelings for the two of them. I always knew Shine doesn't want to be openly gay and have anything get back to his peeps about he's dating a dude. I understand that first-hand and would never divulge his private dealings! I guess he chose to go the cover-up route and date this woman. She's sweet and all but I just have these thoughts in the recesses of my mind that wish he and I would take a shot at being together.

I'm gonna leave him alone. I refuse to be messy or catty and try to ruin their chances at something significant. That's NOT me at all. If he wants to date a woman, then cool with me. We will be friends still but I really hope he doesn't just neglect to tell me from his own mouth that he is seeing her. What's the big secret? I thought we were better than that.....

Am I trippin??????