Emotional Rollercoaster

Hi guys! Sooo yeah, it's been ages right? I think some followers have fallen away and I see many of those I was/am following have kinda slipped into the shadows too, no new blog updates in like...forever. Thing with me is I have been beat up, down, and all around for the past year and a half. Relocated, leaving Soldierboy and Shine and countless friends and newfound family in the past, so to speak. I mean I do still communicate with both of them on a platonic level. Soldierboy and I have actually been quite cordial and spark up nostalgia often in our convos. He's the genuine article I must admit. I miss the nigga...alot, and often. *sigh* But there all many miles between us now and he's kinda moved on.

Fast forward to the present present (LOL) I have been on a fuckin rollercoaster ride with this new dude in my new city. I will call him Supastar. This guy was after me for months on end and I resisted for several reasons. Knew he wasnt ready for a serious relationship and refused to give up the ass when I tried to tap it so I wasn't wasting my time. Shit...... anyway, eventually I gave in and fell in love when I let my guard down. What does this fool do? He stomps on my heart. Not intentionally I'm sure, but he does, nonetheless. Don't know how to act. Don't know how to communicate, avoids calls and texts... NOBODIES phone dies that often, dude. I ain't stupid. Then he gets defensive and runs away when I confront him. I get pissed and tell him to go to hell and then guess what I do? Go right back. As soon as he calls and says he wants to see me I'm there. He smiles and I crumble, smellin all good and lookin all sexy. FUCK! I hate love....

"I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. Loving you ain't nothing healthy, loving you was never good for me. but I can't get off."

Hiding in plain sight

What am I afraid of? WHO am I afraid? Must be something or someone.....

Here I am - a somewhat frequent blogger. Sharing intimate thoughts and details about my life and love and dreams and fears and desires to people who are hella cool - you all. People who share the same types of things often....but yet I don't reveal my true identity.

I think it's because I share things about people that I don't think they would appreciate me sharing. I also share things about myself that I don't want many people to know... some things I may not want ANYONE that I associate with to find out. UGH!!! The life is a serious struggle. Even in accepting my sexuality, I still don't expect others to accept it. Especially certain family members and church associates. Yes, this stigma still exists and I deal with it. This is the cross I choose to bear, I suppose. I feel I'm hiding right on the world wide web for all to see...but not really see me. Hiding in plain sight.

I'm just glad to have an outlet here where like minds can share and interact and hopefully not be judged because of it. I try to give my thoughts and ideas and feedback on your blogs and I enjoy reading them.

I guess this was just a way to vent and say thanks at the same time...............

Accepting Love Applications

I'm in a wierd place in my life right now! I mean it's one thing to MAKE changes but it's quite another to find yourself GOING THROUGH changes. *sigh*

Soldierboy and I are less than friends now...screw a relationship. That's out the window.

Shine and I are the greatest of friends now...I can only wish he would just let me in but I respect his boundaries and I've decided to move on. A little self-respect helped that decision. LOL I'm good now on the subject of Shine. I think. No, I'm sure. The butterflies have flown away and the sweaty palms have dried up. My heart rate increases but no longer skips a beat when I see him. I have pressed the STOP button my list of sappy love songs that make me think of him. I don't daydream about "us" anymore. I love his girlfriend and we all hang out together. I've accepted the situation... Yeah, I'm resolved.

So now I can move on. Like India.Aries says - "I am ready for Love". I can allow myself to be open to some of these kats that been tryna holla. A date won't hurt. A dinner? A beach outting? A wine tasting? A show of some sort? I can handle that. Don't want to go back online (A4A, BGC, etc.) to find anyone. Been there, been burned. I know there are good guys there but shuffling through the garbage is exhausting!!! Garbage stinks, and I'm tryna stay fresh so I'm not defensive and insecure and chronically untrusting when I do meet a dude. I flirt often but I guess I'm ready to let that flirting lead to something (besides sex). I will put some effort in getting to know a new somebody. And I will need to have some qualifications for that potential person to fill the open position, right? We all have preferences! So let me see..............

In no particular order:

Over 25

Handsome but not pretty

Open minded

Employed

Goal-oriented

Lover of Arts

Positive Outlook

Kind

Sexually Versatile

At least minimally health concious/Physically active

God-fearing Christian

Communicative

Black/Latino

Damn, it sho would be nice. I can admit to being lonely lately. I love me and I'm cool with spending time with ME. But since I believe myself to be a cool, romantic, mature fella with the above qualities, then I would like to share my life, my world, my love with someone who is a ride or die type brotha. So yep, I'm now open for business.

Smooth ran out of Gas!

You ever just wanna bitch-slap your damn self? Why, oh why did I just decide to push my poor car to the limit before filling her up with fuel, gasoline, petrol? It's not like I didn't see the needle creepin down to the great big "E"..... I just kept saying, "Oh, I will get gas later at a place with lower prices"(I mean they ARE going down after all)...well, later turned into much later and then that turned into "I forgot!" This don't make no damn sense! I know we all do absent-minded things, but how come I choose to run out of gas when I knew better? Thank GOD above that I was just getting off the highway when it happened! This coulda been a serious fatality or something when I think about it! Anyway, I'm glad I have roadside assistance, because your boy was dressed all spiffy and fly and I was not about to be tramping up the side of the road in my good shoes in 90+ degree heat with a red plastic gas can in tow. Well, I guess I WOULD have if circumstances demanded such, but good car insurance is good to have, people!

Turns out that by repeatedly driving on an empty tank, you can permanently ruin your fuel pump. A vehicle’s fuel pump is responsible for bringing gasoline from the tank to the engine and is lubricated by the fuel that is in the gas tank. Therefore, once your gas starts to run out, there isn’t anything to lubricate and/or cool the pump. This makes the fuel pump work that much harder to pull whatever gasoline is left from the bottom of the tank. Most mechanics tend to agree that motorists should never wait until the gas tank light comes on. Rather, it is suggested that it is best to fill up on gasoline once you see that your gas tank is 1/4 of the way full. This is even more important during the summer months when the weather is much warmer because heat is the number one thing that kills fuel pumps.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!! Lesson learned. I was so effin embarrassed I didn't even tell anybody! LMAO Don't be a fool like me... keep an eye on the needle........

Wish me HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I got a "HAPPY BDAY SEXY" text at 12:04 AM. It was the first birthday wish I received...and it was from Shine. SHIT, I miss that nigga! Excuse my language but I'ma say it how I feel. So anyway, yep... I'm another year older...or should I say better? In my eyes, I'm better because I have grown and learned and matured and settled on some things over the part year. But by the end of the day I will be subject to the long line of questions from my family especially: "Sooo you're not married yet?" "When you gonna buy a house?" "We just ain't gon get NO kids outta you, huh?". Now, as much as it will be nice hearing from them and I know there will various forms of celebration going on today, I will be worn to shreds by the time I lay down it tonight.

I plan on hookin up with the homies and getting dinner, playing pool and having some drinks. I kinda want some cake too. My sweet-tooth is on level 10!! WTF? LOL We're not doin much... I mean it IS Monday!! But this coming weekend, it will be hell to pay for somebody's city cause we gon ack a fool. LOL I want to write down things I wanna do while out of town so I don't forget. I'm thinkin me and the fellas may drive up to DC for a couple days. I have to finalize with them tonight. Sure, we COULD have celebrated this past weekend but something I have always hated is having my birthday so close to a holiday! Don't combine my festivities with all that other foolishness! LOL I'm special. DAMNIT! LOL

Soldierboy and I have grown more apart over the past 6 or 8 weeks and I'm cool with that. I don't really need BIRTHDAY SEX if it's out of obligation but I sure as hell need some BIRTHDAY SEX from some damn body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't have to write that one down! My little big man in my pants will constantly remind me of what he needs! (wink) So if you were wondering what to get me, I will be accepting that gift.....oh, and money is never out of style either! LMAO

I'm excited. I turned 35 and it feels pretty good. Some peeps didn't live to see this age. Gets you thinkin... ya know?

And it IS gonna be a good year. I swear!

Missing Michael

This is craziness...I have been thinkin of what I can say about the terrible loss that the ENTIRE WORLD is now feeling over Michael Jackson's sudden death at 2:26PM PST on June 25th, 2009.

I was just searchin for my favorite songs by him last week while I created playlists on imeem.com. But all day yesterday while I sat with my eyes welling up as I watched the news reports, I remembered my own experiences and wonderment at this super icon..the greatest entertainer of all time! I think back to the day we bought the "Thriller" record with his picture imprinted on both sides in full color. Haven't seen anyone do that before or since! I think of the crazy talented dance moves he INVENTED (think Moonwalk) and the creative and compelling videos he released to his fans. I think of my sisters' walls covered in his posters. I think of the MJ doll at the house - complete with the legendary zippered leather jacket and the sparkly glove (left hand ONLY!) :) I think of the Pepsi commercial. I think of his perfect jheri curl and babyhair on the sides. I think of his interesting and influential fashion-sense. I think of "We are the World".

I wish he was able to make that comeback he dreamed of...that 50-date tour. I wish the media didn't rip him to pieces over bad choices. I wish he didn't have to resort to living his childhood throughout his adult years because his childhood was pounded out on stage under the strict ruling hand of his father, Joe, who reportedly called him "Big Nose". I wish alot of things for him...now I simply pray his family is encouraged and comforted during their time of bereavement. The first of the Jackson children is gone ya'll, and sadly one of the youngest. He would have been 51 years old in August.

Even if you didn't necessarily like him, you HAD to respect him for his ability to make people scream and cry and pass out just at the sight of him... Plus he defined music and dance for nearly 40 years.

YOU WILL BE MISSED MICHAEL JACKSON!!

August 28, 1958 - June 25, 2009

*Check out this HOT live MJ mix that a DJ from Florida did at the club last night!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/618787244950a135/

Maybe I...

...complain too much



...want the best out of life but...

...don't allow the best in my life



...have a wall up that turns certain people off



...fall in love too easily but...

...am too selfish to have only one sex partner so...

...wasn't cut out for a relationship. Could it be?



...feign confidence to cover insecurity




...should never have gotten married or...

...should have just stayed married



...am too scared to actually capture my dreams



...fear failure AND fame



...should just pack up and move to D.C. like I've been contemplating



...wish my mom was still alive



...have addictions that include drugs or alcohol



...want more than I deserve



...tend to bite off more than I can chew



...am just hurt, confused, perplexed, and stressed



...could be happy if I accept happiness



...choose to refuse depression. But who wants that anyway?



...just don't know



Maybe

Did you wash them hands??

Why is that such a hard thing to do? While I admit that I am somewhat of a germ-o-phobe, it just makes sense to me that after you take a piss, drain the lizard, pay the water bill, urinate, pee...and certainly if you do #2, that you would stop by the sink and put that soap and water to good use!

I'm so bad that if go to the men's room in a public place and do my biz and wash my hands, I get furious if there are no paper towels to grab the door knob with. I understand the whole GOIN GREEN thing and we don't wanna use up alot of paper and create waste...I get that but I can air dry my hands alllll day and go to open the door and have to touch that infested door knob because the last nasty ass didn't wash his grimy hands. So I stand there staring at the door like "How am I supposed to get outta here?!?" LOL I've had to enlist toilet paper or the bottom of my shirt (UGH) to grab the handle and pull the door open.

I may have to just start carrying hand sanitizer in my pocket at all times.

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK!!!!!!

I know we've all seen those signs posted in restaurants and other places where the employee have to handle food, but it got to the point at my office job, that they put up a sign in the men's room here too. It's necessary when you consider sharing equipment, drink fountains, vending machines, shaking hands etc...plus it's just good hygiene and prevents sickness! Why does someone have to tell a grown man to wash his damn hands?

Told you I had a hint of OCD. Guess it could be worse though.

Fine and Sexy...I mean CRAZY

Have you ever been sooo attracted to someone you come across...and you put on your best game to get them to hang out with you/date you/fuck you? They are the hottest thing you have ever seen. All the features and "assets" you love to love! And then after a while, once you win the prize, have you started to see signs that maybe you shoulda left that pretty package on the shelf? This person has started to let their true colors come shining through! What a daunting wake up call! Now suddenly that hot specimen is so ugly to you that you wanna run the other way screaming.

The two most "beautiful" people I have ever dated turned out to be the worst decisions I have ever made in my short life. Upon first meeting both of them my immediate reaction was "DAMN!! Looka dat booty...looka dat smile...looka dem eyes!!" So I made my move each time. One was a dude..the other was a lady. Beautiful on the outside but UGLY on the inside.

'OL GIRL:

She was a curvy and chocolate-toned beauty. I mean pageant quality. Met her at work where all the dudes salivated over this woman. Never even thought I had a chance with her. She was super pretty with ample breasts, a tiny waist, and firm calf muscles. She was ambitious and mad confident. Always put together nicely. Wore expensive clothes and fly high-heels. Hair was shoulder length and never outta place. Music played when this gal walked by. I swear! I made comments that were nice and gentlemanly (as is my method) and she smiled often. We became friends and hung out for lunch a couple time, first with others and by default one day we ended up alone at lunch. We talked and laughed and found we had many things in common. At a co-workers party one night we spent the whole time crackin jokes about some of the people there and ended up back at her place afterwards. I didn't make any advances but she asked me to sleep over. I did. Hello?! LOL No sex...just holding. Turns out she appreciated my chivalry and we started to become an item. But as time went on, she would have outbursts for no damn reason. She was insanely jealous. She would break my CDs out of spite. She would have tantruns when things were not going her way. She would cuss me out under her breath but still loud enough for people to hear it and look like a freakin demon when we'd argue in public and stir up chaos at the same time. I think I was afraid of this chick by the time I decided to call it quits. She would kick my chair at work when she'd walk by! I was like... "What is this? High school?" She started dated another fella at work just to piss me off and she would hate it when I ignored them. CRAZY!!

'OL DUDE:

Met him online (yeah I know)...anyway, he was HOT!! Yellow-bone, tall slim dancer/model. Perfect everything: skin, teeth, hazel eyes, curly mini-fro, plump bubble ass, washboard abs. He was even a lil shy at first and would blush when I'd tell him how good-looking he was (as if he had never heard that before!). I thought that was just adorable, ya'll. So we clicked and had dinner the first evening. I had met him in his city which was like an hour from me so I stayed the night. We did the touchy feely thing for a while and I got a little bored with that so I stopped. Next thing I knew he was on top of me like a jockey...slammed his tongue so far down my throat I was bout to choke. Then he yanked my pants off and swallowed my dick like it was nothing (I ain't no lil dude down there). He was gulping and slurping like he was starving for that shit. I was in awe. Couldn't even hardly moan from the change of his behaviour. I was liking the aggressiveness so I didn't complain. Every time we'd have sex it was some animal type stuff. Just raw and rough and sweaty. He would make these faces that would freak me smooth out!! This nigga LOVED some dick. But he had anger issues too. Got arrested for fighting and fired from a couple jobs for insubordination more than once while we dated. I woke up a few times and he was sittin in a chair staring at me. He'd cook and watch me it like he put something in it. He would tell me how I could never leave him with a straight face. Eventually he cheated and told me...that was my ticket out. Was only a couple months but felt like centuries. CRAZY!!

They say "You never COMPLETELY know a person. And "Pretty ain't everything" They also say that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." Sound advice, people, SOUND ADVICE!

Music Changed My Life

I was just thinking on the things that seem to have influenced me as a person. There are many... but I feel that MUSIC is easily the most powerful thing to ever really happen to me, aside from God of course. Music has the power to encourage or educate, to evoke laughter or a myriad of thought. Then there is baby-makin music and chill music and music that makes you dance. Even deeper than all of that, music can literally change you. I was listening to Jill Scott's "Who is Jill Scott" CD earlier and remembered vividly the very day that I first heard it in it's entirety. I was driving home from work on a rainy and cloudy afternoon with one of my homies. I had purchased it at lunch and waited until after work to open it up. I popped it in and allowed her words and sounds to gently massage and enlighten me. We both rode in total silence - hypnotized and captivated by the fresh sweetness of this voice, this force that was taking us on a journey of answering the question: "Who is Jill Scott?". That was one of the most powerful moments that I have experienced with music. (Congrats to her and her fiance, by the way, on the birth of her first baby - JETT HAMILTON ROBERTS born on April 20th) There are some other CDs/albums that have done the same type of thing to me. They mark significant and memorable times in my life and they never ever get old to me. Most of them were introductions by artists that I am now a huge fan of. I'm almost afraid to list them as I know the list is largely incomplete and as soon as I publish this post, there will be countless others that come to mind. But either way, I just took a quick mind inventory and here is what I came up with:

R&B/Soul/Jazz

Jill Scott - Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol 1

Erykah Badu - Live

Norman Brown - After the Storm

Lalah Hathaway - Self-Titled

Will Downing - A Dream Fulfilled

Anita Baker - Rapture/Compositions

Donnie - Can't recall the CD name. Help!

Mary J. Blige - My Life

Milira - Back Again

Jennifer Hudson - Self-Titled

Ledisi - Lost & Found

Gospel

Kim Burrell - Everlasting Life

Israel Houghton - Live From Another Level

Sunny Hawkins - More of You

Fred Hammond - Pages of Life

Donnie McClurkin - Live in London

Kirk Franklin - The Rebirth

Donald Lawrence - Law of Confession

Kim McFarland - New Life

What has changed your life? Any significant music?

Is image really EVERYthing?

I have a friend of a friend who is not yet even 30 years old and is in the middle of doing some cosmetic enhancing processes. He is not a bad looking dude by any means - he's actually kinda cute, which is why I chose to write on this topic in the first place.
He is to have surgery on his mid section (lipo-suction or something), a brow lift, stretching his chin somehow, and a chemical peel. All these procedures seem so unnecessary in my view. But I also see flaws with my own look that I have wished were different at one time or another. Like my lips and nose. They are...um...ethnic. LOL It used to make me self-conscious through my teen years but I have since embraced my ethnic features and it hasn't seemed to block me from attracting attractive people. You feel me? As a matter of fact, I get mad love for my full lips now but I was teased as a kid. Granted, I know there is more to it than attraction. I guess. But I don't have the personal goal of becoming a super model or to be propped up sittin in front of a movie camera. I ALMOST get it when film, television, print media, and music stars feel the need to stay pretty but what about the average Joe. Is it really that serious? Folks have to go through various stages of psychological evaluations to be approved for cosmetic surgery from what I understand. Is the answer always "I just want to look better!"?

And what about the inherent dangers of going under the plastic surgeon's knife? I have seen faaaar too many mutilated faces. People who no longer even look like themselves. Can you imagine passing a mirror and having to take a second glance because you don't recognize your own face? Frightening. The two best known cases I can come up with are Micheal Jackson and unfortunately...Lil Kim. They both were nice looking individuals. Natural, ethnic. Then they changed little by little until it was way too much . In my opinion they both appear artificial to me. Like plastic bots. I appreciate their art, their craft, their contributions to entertainment, but I can hardly look at them without shaking my head in curiosity and awe.

I just wonder if we are sickeningly obsessed with youth and beauty. I know it's not just the gay men's plight but this generation or probably more so this society and era of fashion and Next Top Models that makes people fulfill the urge to have their faces rearranged just to remain relevant and desirable.

Call Your Mom

I think I brushed past Mother's Day last Sunday because it was easier for me not to acknowledge it rather than sulk and cry over the fact that I have experienced the second Mother's Day without my beautiful mother. But as the week stumbled on, I couldn't get her off my mind. I didn't pay tribute or anything and I guess I'm feeling bad because last year, I found so much lethargic release when I wrote about Mom.

I'm wondering if it was attempt to avoid sad feelings or just "get over" my loss. I don't want to ever "get over" losing my mother. You only get one! Sure, there are other women who may step in and give needed nurturing, or maybe others, like a Godmother, or Grandmother or Aunt, have always been there to share the role. And they should be appreciated also.

I am, to this day, still a true mama's boy and I'm not ashamed of that... I love my Mom with all my heart and miss her dearly. Every time something great happens or I need to vent, I immediately think "I need to call Mom". Then reality sets in. It's not a good feeling.

I don't know if you did something special for yours on Mother's Day but if not, don't feel as though that's the only day that you should show appreciation and love to her. You don't want to look up one day and find out she's gone and you never gave her flowers while she was alive to smell them.

The Green-Eyed MONSTER

During the sermon today, my Pastor made a simple yet profound statement. He said "Jealousy is the fear of being replaced". I was astounded and was hung on that simple truth for the rest of the day! I have so often wondered what is the cause of that adverse reaction when someone is in your "territory". When we feel that someone will step in and be a better version of us....leaving us out in the cold.

Envy is slightly different. Envy speaks to wanting what someone else has. Or perhaps another way of looking at it is your wanting to become THEIR replacement. Interesting? I thought so.

I thought of the numerous times in relationships, especially when we learn what it is that our partner is drawn to or appreciates in a mate, we have the green-eyed monster rise up in us when those traits are in the room or perhaps have caught out lover's eye. How many times have you asked "What you lookin over there for!?" or "You see something you like?!" or "I see you peepin that nigga!" LOL A fight is sure to erupt after such jealousy-enduced outburts.

At what point does one get jealous? Just from a glance or stare? Or when there is conversation with that person? Or when there are phone numbers being exchanged? Or when our mate leaves the room to take certain phone calls? Or when he/she has become suspect of spending too damn much time with someone else? Memories are poppin up, huh? LOL Yeah I been through it too.

How does one control jealously, though? Is it all based in trust? Or is there a need for a complete mind change within ourselves first? Getting control of your jealousy does not mean getting control of your partner, it means getting a handle on your own emotions. But how do you do that? Or is it even necessary?? I've also heard it said that jealousy is a GOOD thing. It's been said that true love is jealous because it's the right relationship. A husband should jealously guard his love with his wife, and vice versa, because it's an exclusive right relationship. But there has to be a demarcation point, a thin dividing line that prevents that emotion from becoming fatal attraction or some shit.

I'm going to say the best practice would be openly communicating with your sweetheart to establish boundaries and simply give mutual respect. The Golden Rule goes a long way here. I wouldn't dare say I have it under control. I still roll my eyes when Soldierboy holds a glance for too long. But because I know I look too, I keeps my head together and move on with life because it's too damn short to be trippin off my overactive imagination or the fear of being replaced.

Not too far

Just updating to say I'm still around. Haven't commented and haven't blogged either (DUH). But I just wanted to say hello basically. Alot is going on. Some good.....some bad. But I'm alive and any day above ground is a good day. I'm making it and things can only get better. Right?