Hiding in plain sight

What am I afraid of? WHO am I afraid? Must be something or someone.....

Here I am - a somewhat frequent blogger. Sharing intimate thoughts and details about my life and love and dreams and fears and desires to people who are hella cool - you all. People who share the same types of things often....but yet I don't reveal my true identity.

I think it's because I share things about people that I don't think they would appreciate me sharing. I also share things about myself that I don't want many people to know... some things I may not want ANYONE that I associate with to find out. UGH!!! The life is a serious struggle. Even in accepting my sexuality, I still don't expect others to accept it. Especially certain family members and church associates. Yes, this stigma still exists and I deal with it. This is the cross I choose to bear, I suppose. I feel I'm hiding right on the world wide web for all to see...but not really see me. Hiding in plain sight.

I'm just glad to have an outlet here where like minds can share and interact and hopefully not be judged because of it. I try to give my thoughts and ideas and feedback on your blogs and I enjoy reading them.

I guess this was just a way to vent and say thanks at the same time...............

HORNY Wrestling

You know what? I am trippin!! OK, let me see if I can get this story out. My mind is so sooo blown.

I've been hangin out with my homies alot lately, now that I'm not caught up in a semi-sorta-kinda relationship with Soldierboy or anyone else for that matter, and I've recently moved closer to where they all live. Anyway, check it out... the other day I was over my good homies crib alone with his younger brother. I will call him Pretty Tony cause he is beautiful - lookin like Columbus Short (Stomp The Yard, Cadillac Records).

Columbus Short

Pretty Tony and I joke and kid each other on the regular. I had come to consider him like a brother also since he confides in me about some things and he thinks I'm funny. LOL He's only 21 and has a cute little girlfriend. I tease them and I'm cool with her too. Back to the other day (Saturday) - he decides he wants to fake anger over something smart I said and begins wrestling with me. Punchin at me and slap-boxing. It was hella funny and when we made physical contact we ended up on the floor. He starts biting me softly and it's turning me the hell on. He smells like a fresh shower and even his breath is on point! I'm trying like hell to bring my mind in cause my dick is happily aware of the pleasure of this grappling and close proximity to this young stud with a hard body in nothing but basketball shorts. He's making me say "Uncle" and call him "The Best".... I'm thinking, "The best WHAT, NEGRO?" LOL Let me find out.... LOL I grab his ass and he laughs....I lick his nipple cause it's close to my mouth, damnit... he laughs. I'm testing this dude left and right and he just laughs.. Uh huh, keep on laughing boy.... We haven't had the gay talk but I get the idea that he knows wasup even though he asks me about my sexcapades specifically with women.

So I "give" and he jumps up like some damn champion but I notice his dick was hard too. Now I'm sweating from my dirty imagination going wild. I grab his dick through the shorts in the most non-sexual way possible (as if) and I'm prepared for him to pounce on me again. He does... and grabs my dick too by the shaft and squeezes a little (it's hard, remember). I don't wanna give the impression that I'm going to try him so I throw him off me and we are BOTH laughing hyterically. I was hot and bothered for the rest of the day. I had to go home and bust one! Granted, my body wants to turn this fella out but it would be CRAZINESS if his brother were to find out. Either way, I don't want to be the one responsible for him loving booty and dick. I will just stick to my fantasies. That's good, right? What would YOU have done? Shit! LMAO

Accepting Love Applications

I'm in a wierd place in my life right now! I mean it's one thing to MAKE changes but it's quite another to find yourself GOING THROUGH changes. *sigh*

Soldierboy and I are less than friends now...screw a relationship. That's out the window.

Shine and I are the greatest of friends now...I can only wish he would just let me in but I respect his boundaries and I've decided to move on. A little self-respect helped that decision. LOL I'm good now on the subject of Shine. I think. No, I'm sure. The butterflies have flown away and the sweaty palms have dried up. My heart rate increases but no longer skips a beat when I see him. I have pressed the STOP button my list of sappy love songs that make me think of him. I don't daydream about "us" anymore. I love his girlfriend and we all hang out together. I've accepted the situation... Yeah, I'm resolved.

So now I can move on. Like India.Aries says - "I am ready for Love". I can allow myself to be open to some of these kats that been tryna holla. A date won't hurt. A dinner? A beach outting? A wine tasting? A show of some sort? I can handle that. Don't want to go back online (A4A, BGC, etc.) to find anyone. Been there, been burned. I know there are good guys there but shuffling through the garbage is exhausting!!! Garbage stinks, and I'm tryna stay fresh so I'm not defensive and insecure and chronically untrusting when I do meet a dude. I flirt often but I guess I'm ready to let that flirting lead to something (besides sex). I will put some effort in getting to know a new somebody. And I will need to have some qualifications for that potential person to fill the open position, right? We all have preferences! So let me see..............

In no particular order:

Over 25

Handsome but not pretty

Open minded

Employed

Goal-oriented

Lover of Arts

Positive Outlook

Kind

Sexually Versatile

At least minimally health concious/Physically active

God-fearing Christian

Communicative

Black/Latino

Damn, it sho would be nice. I can admit to being lonely lately. I love me and I'm cool with spending time with ME. But since I believe myself to be a cool, romantic, mature fella with the above qualities, then I would like to share my life, my world, my love with someone who is a ride or die type brotha. So yep, I'm now open for business.

Smooth ran out of Gas!

You ever just wanna bitch-slap your damn self? Why, oh why did I just decide to push my poor car to the limit before filling her up with fuel, gasoline, petrol? It's not like I didn't see the needle creepin down to the great big "E"..... I just kept saying, "Oh, I will get gas later at a place with lower prices"(I mean they ARE going down after all)...well, later turned into much later and then that turned into "I forgot!" This don't make no damn sense! I know we all do absent-minded things, but how come I choose to run out of gas when I knew better? Thank GOD above that I was just getting off the highway when it happened! This coulda been a serious fatality or something when I think about it! Anyway, I'm glad I have roadside assistance, because your boy was dressed all spiffy and fly and I was not about to be tramping up the side of the road in my good shoes in 90+ degree heat with a red plastic gas can in tow. Well, I guess I WOULD have if circumstances demanded such, but good car insurance is good to have, people!

Turns out that by repeatedly driving on an empty tank, you can permanently ruin your fuel pump. A vehicle’s fuel pump is responsible for bringing gasoline from the tank to the engine and is lubricated by the fuel that is in the gas tank. Therefore, once your gas starts to run out, there isn’t anything to lubricate and/or cool the pump. This makes the fuel pump work that much harder to pull whatever gasoline is left from the bottom of the tank. Most mechanics tend to agree that motorists should never wait until the gas tank light comes on. Rather, it is suggested that it is best to fill up on gasoline once you see that your gas tank is 1/4 of the way full. This is even more important during the summer months when the weather is much warmer because heat is the number one thing that kills fuel pumps.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!! Lesson learned. I was so effin embarrassed I didn't even tell anybody! LMAO Don't be a fool like me... keep an eye on the needle........

Welcome her back ya'll!

This cover speaks volumes. She is coming back hard and with a vengeance. I'm excited. I don't always talk up CD releases but you have to remember, this woman was a childhood crush for me. LOL





CD Title: " I Look To You "



Street Date: September 1, 2009

Wish me HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I got a "HAPPY BDAY SEXY" text at 12:04 AM. It was the first birthday wish I received...and it was from Shine. SHIT, I miss that nigga! Excuse my language but I'ma say it how I feel. So anyway, yep... I'm another year older...or should I say better? In my eyes, I'm better because I have grown and learned and matured and settled on some things over the part year. But by the end of the day I will be subject to the long line of questions from my family especially: "Sooo you're not married yet?" "When you gonna buy a house?" "We just ain't gon get NO kids outta you, huh?". Now, as much as it will be nice hearing from them and I know there will various forms of celebration going on today, I will be worn to shreds by the time I lay down it tonight.

I plan on hookin up with the homies and getting dinner, playing pool and having some drinks. I kinda want some cake too. My sweet-tooth is on level 10!! WTF? LOL We're not doin much... I mean it IS Monday!! But this coming weekend, it will be hell to pay for somebody's city cause we gon ack a fool. LOL I want to write down things I wanna do while out of town so I don't forget. I'm thinkin me and the fellas may drive up to DC for a couple days. I have to finalize with them tonight. Sure, we COULD have celebrated this past weekend but something I have always hated is having my birthday so close to a holiday! Don't combine my festivities with all that other foolishness! LOL I'm special. DAMNIT! LOL

Soldierboy and I have grown more apart over the past 6 or 8 weeks and I'm cool with that. I don't really need BIRTHDAY SEX if it's out of obligation but I sure as hell need some BIRTHDAY SEX from some damn body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't have to write that one down! My little big man in my pants will constantly remind me of what he needs! (wink) So if you were wondering what to get me, I will be accepting that gift.....oh, and money is never out of style either! LMAO

I'm excited. I turned 35 and it feels pretty good. Some peeps didn't live to see this age. Gets you thinkin... ya know?

And it IS gonna be a good year. I swear!

Missing Michael

This is craziness...I have been thinkin of what I can say about the terrible loss that the ENTIRE WORLD is now feeling over Michael Jackson's sudden death at 2:26PM PST on June 25th, 2009.

I was just searchin for my favorite songs by him last week while I created playlists on imeem.com. But all day yesterday while I sat with my eyes welling up as I watched the news reports, I remembered my own experiences and wonderment at this super icon..the greatest entertainer of all time! I think back to the day we bought the "Thriller" record with his picture imprinted on both sides in full color. Haven't seen anyone do that before or since! I think of the crazy talented dance moves he INVENTED (think Moonwalk) and the creative and compelling videos he released to his fans. I think of my sisters' walls covered in his posters. I think of the MJ doll at the house - complete with the legendary zippered leather jacket and the sparkly glove (left hand ONLY!) :) I think of the Pepsi commercial. I think of his perfect jheri curl and babyhair on the sides. I think of his interesting and influential fashion-sense. I think of "We are the World".

I wish he was able to make that comeback he dreamed of...that 50-date tour. I wish the media didn't rip him to pieces over bad choices. I wish he didn't have to resort to living his childhood throughout his adult years because his childhood was pounded out on stage under the strict ruling hand of his father, Joe, who reportedly called him "Big Nose". I wish alot of things for him...now I simply pray his family is encouraged and comforted during their time of bereavement. The first of the Jackson children is gone ya'll, and sadly one of the youngest. He would have been 51 years old in August.

Even if you didn't necessarily like him, you HAD to respect him for his ability to make people scream and cry and pass out just at the sight of him... Plus he defined music and dance for nearly 40 years.

YOU WILL BE MISSED MICHAEL JACKSON!!

August 28, 1958 - June 25, 2009

*Check out this HOT live MJ mix that a DJ from Florida did at the club last night!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/618787244950a135/