Hiding in plain sight

What am I afraid of? WHO am I afraid? Must be something or someone.....

Here I am - a somewhat frequent blogger. Sharing intimate thoughts and details about my life and love and dreams and fears and desires to people who are hella cool - you all. People who share the same types of things often....but yet I don't reveal my true identity.

I think it's because I share things about people that I don't think they would appreciate me sharing. I also share things about myself that I don't want many people to know... some things I may not want ANYONE that I associate with to find out. UGH!!! The life is a serious struggle. Even in accepting my sexuality, I still don't expect others to accept it. Especially certain family members and church associates. Yes, this stigma still exists and I deal with it. This is the cross I choose to bear, I suppose. I feel I'm hiding right on the world wide web for all to see...but not really see me. Hiding in plain sight.

I'm just glad to have an outlet here where like minds can share and interact and hopefully not be judged because of it. I try to give my thoughts and ideas and feedback on your blogs and I enjoy reading them.

I guess this was just a way to vent and say thanks at the same time...............

HORNY Wrestling

You know what? I am trippin!! OK, let me see if I can get this story out. My mind is so sooo blown.

I've been hangin out with my homies alot lately, now that I'm not caught up in a semi-sorta-kinda relationship with Soldierboy or anyone else for that matter, and I've recently moved closer to where they all live. Anyway, check it out... the other day I was over my good homies crib alone with his younger brother. I will call him Pretty Tony cause he is beautiful - lookin like Columbus Short (Stomp The Yard, Cadillac Records).

Columbus Short

Pretty Tony and I joke and kid each other on the regular. I had come to consider him like a brother also since he confides in me about some things and he thinks I'm funny. LOL He's only 21 and has a cute little girlfriend. I tease them and I'm cool with her too. Back to the other day (Saturday) - he decides he wants to fake anger over something smart I said and begins wrestling with me. Punchin at me and slap-boxing. It was hella funny and when we made physical contact we ended up on the floor. He starts biting me softly and it's turning me the hell on. He smells like a fresh shower and even his breath is on point! I'm trying like hell to bring my mind in cause my dick is happily aware of the pleasure of this grappling and close proximity to this young stud with a hard body in nothing but basketball shorts. He's making me say "Uncle" and call him "The Best".... I'm thinking, "The best WHAT, NEGRO?" LOL Let me find out.... LOL I grab his ass and he laughs....I lick his nipple cause it's close to my mouth, damnit... he laughs. I'm testing this dude left and right and he just laughs.. Uh huh, keep on laughing boy.... We haven't had the gay talk but I get the idea that he knows wasup even though he asks me about my sexcapades specifically with women.

So I "give" and he jumps up like some damn champion but I notice his dick was hard too. Now I'm sweating from my dirty imagination going wild. I grab his dick through the shorts in the most non-sexual way possible (as if) and I'm prepared for him to pounce on me again. He does... and grabs my dick too by the shaft and squeezes a little (it's hard, remember). I don't wanna give the impression that I'm going to try him so I throw him off me and we are BOTH laughing hyterically. I was hot and bothered for the rest of the day. I had to go home and bust one! Granted, my body wants to turn this fella out but it would be CRAZINESS if his brother were to find out. Either way, I don't want to be the one responsible for him loving booty and dick. I will just stick to my fantasies. That's good, right? What would YOU have done? Shit! LMAO

Accepting Love Applications

I'm in a wierd place in my life right now! I mean it's one thing to MAKE changes but it's quite another to find yourself GOING THROUGH changes. *sigh*

Soldierboy and I are less than friends now...screw a relationship. That's out the window.

Shine and I are the greatest of friends now...I can only wish he would just let me in but I respect his boundaries and I've decided to move on. A little self-respect helped that decision. LOL I'm good now on the subject of Shine. I think. No, I'm sure. The butterflies have flown away and the sweaty palms have dried up. My heart rate increases but no longer skips a beat when I see him. I have pressed the STOP button my list of sappy love songs that make me think of him. I don't daydream about "us" anymore. I love his girlfriend and we all hang out together. I've accepted the situation... Yeah, I'm resolved.

So now I can move on. Like India.Aries says - "I am ready for Love". I can allow myself to be open to some of these kats that been tryna holla. A date won't hurt. A dinner? A beach outting? A wine tasting? A show of some sort? I can handle that. Don't want to go back online (A4A, BGC, etc.) to find anyone. Been there, been burned. I know there are good guys there but shuffling through the garbage is exhausting!!! Garbage stinks, and I'm tryna stay fresh so I'm not defensive and insecure and chronically untrusting when I do meet a dude. I flirt often but I guess I'm ready to let that flirting lead to something (besides sex). I will put some effort in getting to know a new somebody. And I will need to have some qualifications for that potential person to fill the open position, right? We all have preferences! So let me see..............

In no particular order:

Over 25

Handsome but not pretty

Open minded

Employed

Goal-oriented

Lover of Arts

Positive Outlook

Kind

Sexually Versatile

At least minimally health concious/Physically active

God-fearing Christian

Communicative

Black/Latino

Damn, it sho would be nice. I can admit to being lonely lately. I love me and I'm cool with spending time with ME. But since I believe myself to be a cool, romantic, mature fella with the above qualities, then I would like to share my life, my world, my love with someone who is a ride or die type brotha. So yep, I'm now open for business.

Smooth ran out of Gas!

You ever just wanna bitch-slap your damn self? Why, oh why did I just decide to push my poor car to the limit before filling her up with fuel, gasoline, petrol? It's not like I didn't see the needle creepin down to the great big "E"..... I just kept saying, "Oh, I will get gas later at a place with lower prices"(I mean they ARE going down after all)...well, later turned into much later and then that turned into "I forgot!" This don't make no damn sense! I know we all do absent-minded things, but how come I choose to run out of gas when I knew better? Thank GOD above that I was just getting off the highway when it happened! This coulda been a serious fatality or something when I think about it! Anyway, I'm glad I have roadside assistance, because your boy was dressed all spiffy and fly and I was not about to be tramping up the side of the road in my good shoes in 90+ degree heat with a red plastic gas can in tow. Well, I guess I WOULD have if circumstances demanded such, but good car insurance is good to have, people!

Turns out that by repeatedly driving on an empty tank, you can permanently ruin your fuel pump. A vehicle’s fuel pump is responsible for bringing gasoline from the tank to the engine and is lubricated by the fuel that is in the gas tank. Therefore, once your gas starts to run out, there isn’t anything to lubricate and/or cool the pump. This makes the fuel pump work that much harder to pull whatever gasoline is left from the bottom of the tank. Most mechanics tend to agree that motorists should never wait until the gas tank light comes on. Rather, it is suggested that it is best to fill up on gasoline once you see that your gas tank is 1/4 of the way full. This is even more important during the summer months when the weather is much warmer because heat is the number one thing that kills fuel pumps.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!! Lesson learned. I was so effin embarrassed I didn't even tell anybody! LMAO Don't be a fool like me... keep an eye on the needle........

Welcome her back ya'll!

This cover speaks volumes. She is coming back hard and with a vengeance. I'm excited. I don't always talk up CD releases but you have to remember, this woman was a childhood crush for me. LOL





CD Title: " I Look To You "



Street Date: September 1, 2009

Wish me HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I got a "HAPPY BDAY SEXY" text at 12:04 AM. It was the first birthday wish I received...and it was from Shine. SHIT, I miss that nigga! Excuse my language but I'ma say it how I feel. So anyway, yep... I'm another year older...or should I say better? In my eyes, I'm better because I have grown and learned and matured and settled on some things over the part year. But by the end of the day I will be subject to the long line of questions from my family especially: "Sooo you're not married yet?" "When you gonna buy a house?" "We just ain't gon get NO kids outta you, huh?". Now, as much as it will be nice hearing from them and I know there will various forms of celebration going on today, I will be worn to shreds by the time I lay down it tonight.

I plan on hookin up with the homies and getting dinner, playing pool and having some drinks. I kinda want some cake too. My sweet-tooth is on level 10!! WTF? LOL We're not doin much... I mean it IS Monday!! But this coming weekend, it will be hell to pay for somebody's city cause we gon ack a fool. LOL I want to write down things I wanna do while out of town so I don't forget. I'm thinkin me and the fellas may drive up to DC for a couple days. I have to finalize with them tonight. Sure, we COULD have celebrated this past weekend but something I have always hated is having my birthday so close to a holiday! Don't combine my festivities with all that other foolishness! LOL I'm special. DAMNIT! LOL

Soldierboy and I have grown more apart over the past 6 or 8 weeks and I'm cool with that. I don't really need BIRTHDAY SEX if it's out of obligation but I sure as hell need some BIRTHDAY SEX from some damn body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't have to write that one down! My little big man in my pants will constantly remind me of what he needs! (wink) So if you were wondering what to get me, I will be accepting that gift.....oh, and money is never out of style either! LMAO

I'm excited. I turned 35 and it feels pretty good. Some peeps didn't live to see this age. Gets you thinkin... ya know?

And it IS gonna be a good year. I swear!

Missing Michael

This is craziness...I have been thinkin of what I can say about the terrible loss that the ENTIRE WORLD is now feeling over Michael Jackson's sudden death at 2:26PM PST on June 25th, 2009.

I was just searchin for my favorite songs by him last week while I created playlists on imeem.com. But all day yesterday while I sat with my eyes welling up as I watched the news reports, I remembered my own experiences and wonderment at this super icon..the greatest entertainer of all time! I think back to the day we bought the "Thriller" record with his picture imprinted on both sides in full color. Haven't seen anyone do that before or since! I think of the crazy talented dance moves he INVENTED (think Moonwalk) and the creative and compelling videos he released to his fans. I think of my sisters' walls covered in his posters. I think of the MJ doll at the house - complete with the legendary zippered leather jacket and the sparkly glove (left hand ONLY!) :) I think of the Pepsi commercial. I think of his perfect jheri curl and babyhair on the sides. I think of his interesting and influential fashion-sense. I think of "We are the World".

I wish he was able to make that comeback he dreamed of...that 50-date tour. I wish the media didn't rip him to pieces over bad choices. I wish he didn't have to resort to living his childhood throughout his adult years because his childhood was pounded out on stage under the strict ruling hand of his father, Joe, who reportedly called him "Big Nose". I wish alot of things for him...now I simply pray his family is encouraged and comforted during their time of bereavement. The first of the Jackson children is gone ya'll, and sadly one of the youngest. He would have been 51 years old in August.

Even if you didn't necessarily like him, you HAD to respect him for his ability to make people scream and cry and pass out just at the sight of him... Plus he defined music and dance for nearly 40 years.

YOU WILL BE MISSED MICHAEL JACKSON!!

August 28, 1958 - June 25, 2009

*Check out this HOT live MJ mix that a DJ from Florida did at the club last night!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/618787244950a135/

Maybe I...

...complain too much



...want the best out of life but...

...don't allow the best in my life



...have a wall up that turns certain people off



...fall in love too easily but...

...am too selfish to have only one sex partner so...

...wasn't cut out for a relationship. Could it be?



...feign confidence to cover insecurity




...should never have gotten married or...

...should have just stayed married



...am too scared to actually capture my dreams



...fear failure AND fame



...should just pack up and move to D.C. like I've been contemplating



...wish my mom was still alive



...have addictions that include drugs or alcohol



...want more than I deserve



...tend to bite off more than I can chew



...am just hurt, confused, perplexed, and stressed



...could be happy if I accept happiness



...choose to refuse depression. But who wants that anyway?



...just don't know



Maybe

Did you wash them hands??

Why is that such a hard thing to do? While I admit that I am somewhat of a germ-o-phobe, it just makes sense to me that after you take a piss, drain the lizard, pay the water bill, urinate, pee...and certainly if you do #2, that you would stop by the sink and put that soap and water to good use!

I'm so bad that if go to the men's room in a public place and do my biz and wash my hands, I get furious if there are no paper towels to grab the door knob with. I understand the whole GOIN GREEN thing and we don't wanna use up alot of paper and create waste...I get that but I can air dry my hands alllll day and go to open the door and have to touch that infested door knob because the last nasty ass didn't wash his grimy hands. So I stand there staring at the door like "How am I supposed to get outta here?!?" LOL I've had to enlist toilet paper or the bottom of my shirt (UGH) to grab the handle and pull the door open.

I may have to just start carrying hand sanitizer in my pocket at all times.

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK!!!!!!

I know we've all seen those signs posted in restaurants and other places where the employee have to handle food, but it got to the point at my office job, that they put up a sign in the men's room here too. It's necessary when you consider sharing equipment, drink fountains, vending machines, shaking hands etc...plus it's just good hygiene and prevents sickness! Why does someone have to tell a grown man to wash his damn hands?

Told you I had a hint of OCD. Guess it could be worse though.

Fine and Sexy...I mean CRAZY

Have you ever been sooo attracted to someone you come across...and you put on your best game to get them to hang out with you/date you/fuck you? They are the hottest thing you have ever seen. All the features and "assets" you love to love! And then after a while, once you win the prize, have you started to see signs that maybe you shoulda left that pretty package on the shelf? This person has started to let their true colors come shining through! What a daunting wake up call! Now suddenly that hot specimen is so ugly to you that you wanna run the other way screaming.

The two most "beautiful" people I have ever dated turned out to be the worst decisions I have ever made in my short life. Upon first meeting both of them my immediate reaction was "DAMN!! Looka dat booty...looka dat smile...looka dem eyes!!" So I made my move each time. One was a dude..the other was a lady. Beautiful on the outside but UGLY on the inside.

'OL GIRL:

She was a curvy and chocolate-toned beauty. I mean pageant quality. Met her at work where all the dudes salivated over this woman. Never even thought I had a chance with her. She was super pretty with ample breasts, a tiny waist, and firm calf muscles. She was ambitious and mad confident. Always put together nicely. Wore expensive clothes and fly high-heels. Hair was shoulder length and never outta place. Music played when this gal walked by. I swear! I made comments that were nice and gentlemanly (as is my method) and she smiled often. We became friends and hung out for lunch a couple time, first with others and by default one day we ended up alone at lunch. We talked and laughed and found we had many things in common. At a co-workers party one night we spent the whole time crackin jokes about some of the people there and ended up back at her place afterwards. I didn't make any advances but she asked me to sleep over. I did. Hello?! LOL No sex...just holding. Turns out she appreciated my chivalry and we started to become an item. But as time went on, she would have outbursts for no damn reason. She was insanely jealous. She would break my CDs out of spite. She would have tantruns when things were not going her way. She would cuss me out under her breath but still loud enough for people to hear it and look like a freakin demon when we'd argue in public and stir up chaos at the same time. I think I was afraid of this chick by the time I decided to call it quits. She would kick my chair at work when she'd walk by! I was like... "What is this? High school?" She started dated another fella at work just to piss me off and she would hate it when I ignored them. CRAZY!!

'OL DUDE:

Met him online (yeah I know)...anyway, he was HOT!! Yellow-bone, tall slim dancer/model. Perfect everything: skin, teeth, hazel eyes, curly mini-fro, plump bubble ass, washboard abs. He was even a lil shy at first and would blush when I'd tell him how good-looking he was (as if he had never heard that before!). I thought that was just adorable, ya'll. So we clicked and had dinner the first evening. I had met him in his city which was like an hour from me so I stayed the night. We did the touchy feely thing for a while and I got a little bored with that so I stopped. Next thing I knew he was on top of me like a jockey...slammed his tongue so far down my throat I was bout to choke. Then he yanked my pants off and swallowed my dick like it was nothing (I ain't no lil dude down there). He was gulping and slurping like he was starving for that shit. I was in awe. Couldn't even hardly moan from the change of his behaviour. I was liking the aggressiveness so I didn't complain. Every time we'd have sex it was some animal type stuff. Just raw and rough and sweaty. He would make these faces that would freak me smooth out!! This nigga LOVED some dick. But he had anger issues too. Got arrested for fighting and fired from a couple jobs for insubordination more than once while we dated. I woke up a few times and he was sittin in a chair staring at me. He'd cook and watch me it like he put something in it. He would tell me how I could never leave him with a straight face. Eventually he cheated and told me...that was my ticket out. Was only a couple months but felt like centuries. CRAZY!!

They say "You never COMPLETELY know a person. And "Pretty ain't everything" They also say that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." Sound advice, people, SOUND ADVICE!

Music Changed My Life

I was just thinking on the things that seem to have influenced me as a person. There are many... but I feel that MUSIC is easily the most powerful thing to ever really happen to me, aside from God of course. Music has the power to encourage or educate, to evoke laughter or a myriad of thought. Then there is baby-makin music and chill music and music that makes you dance. Even deeper than all of that, music can literally change you. I was listening to Jill Scott's "Who is Jill Scott" CD earlier and remembered vividly the very day that I first heard it in it's entirety. I was driving home from work on a rainy and cloudy afternoon with one of my homies. I had purchased it at lunch and waited until after work to open it up. I popped it in and allowed her words and sounds to gently massage and enlighten me. We both rode in total silence - hypnotized and captivated by the fresh sweetness of this voice, this force that was taking us on a journey of answering the question: "Who is Jill Scott?". That was one of the most powerful moments that I have experienced with music. (Congrats to her and her fiance, by the way, on the birth of her first baby - JETT HAMILTON ROBERTS born on April 20th) There are some other CDs/albums that have done the same type of thing to me. They mark significant and memorable times in my life and they never ever get old to me. Most of them were introductions by artists that I am now a huge fan of. I'm almost afraid to list them as I know the list is largely incomplete and as soon as I publish this post, there will be countless others that come to mind. But either way, I just took a quick mind inventory and here is what I came up with:

R&B/Soul/Jazz

Jill Scott - Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol 1

Erykah Badu - Live

Norman Brown - After the Storm

Lalah Hathaway - Self-Titled

Will Downing - A Dream Fulfilled

Anita Baker - Rapture/Compositions

Donnie - Can't recall the CD name. Help!

Mary J. Blige - My Life

Milira - Back Again

Jennifer Hudson - Self-Titled

Ledisi - Lost & Found

Gospel

Kim Burrell - Everlasting Life

Israel Houghton - Live From Another Level

Sunny Hawkins - More of You

Fred Hammond - Pages of Life

Donnie McClurkin - Live in London

Kirk Franklin - The Rebirth

Donald Lawrence - Law of Confession

Kim McFarland - New Life

What has changed your life? Any significant music?

Is image really EVERYthing?

I have a friend of a friend who is not yet even 30 years old and is in the middle of doing some cosmetic enhancing processes. He is not a bad looking dude by any means - he's actually kinda cute, which is why I chose to write on this topic in the first place.
He is to have surgery on his mid section (lipo-suction or something), a brow lift, stretching his chin somehow, and a chemical peel. All these procedures seem so unnecessary in my view. But I also see flaws with my own look that I have wished were different at one time or another. Like my lips and nose. They are...um...ethnic. LOL It used to make me self-conscious through my teen years but I have since embraced my ethnic features and it hasn't seemed to block me from attracting attractive people. You feel me? As a matter of fact, I get mad love for my full lips now but I was teased as a kid. Granted, I know there is more to it than attraction. I guess. But I don't have the personal goal of becoming a super model or to be propped up sittin in front of a movie camera. I ALMOST get it when film, television, print media, and music stars feel the need to stay pretty but what about the average Joe. Is it really that serious? Folks have to go through various stages of psychological evaluations to be approved for cosmetic surgery from what I understand. Is the answer always "I just want to look better!"?

And what about the inherent dangers of going under the plastic surgeon's knife? I have seen faaaar too many mutilated faces. People who no longer even look like themselves. Can you imagine passing a mirror and having to take a second glance because you don't recognize your own face? Frightening. The two best known cases I can come up with are Micheal Jackson and unfortunately...Lil Kim. They both were nice looking individuals. Natural, ethnic. Then they changed little by little until it was way too much . In my opinion they both appear artificial to me. Like plastic bots. I appreciate their art, their craft, their contributions to entertainment, but I can hardly look at them without shaking my head in curiosity and awe.

I just wonder if we are sickeningly obsessed with youth and beauty. I know it's not just the gay men's plight but this generation or probably more so this society and era of fashion and Next Top Models that makes people fulfill the urge to have their faces rearranged just to remain relevant and desirable.

Call Your Mom

I think I brushed past Mother's Day last Sunday because it was easier for me not to acknowledge it rather than sulk and cry over the fact that I have experienced the second Mother's Day without my beautiful mother. But as the week stumbled on, I couldn't get her off my mind. I didn't pay tribute or anything and I guess I'm feeling bad because last year, I found so much lethargic release when I wrote about Mom.

I'm wondering if it was attempt to avoid sad feelings or just "get over" my loss. I don't want to ever "get over" losing my mother. You only get one! Sure, there are other women who may step in and give needed nurturing, or maybe others, like a Godmother, or Grandmother or Aunt, have always been there to share the role. And they should be appreciated also.

I am, to this day, still a true mama's boy and I'm not ashamed of that... I love my Mom with all my heart and miss her dearly. Every time something great happens or I need to vent, I immediately think "I need to call Mom". Then reality sets in. It's not a good feeling.

I don't know if you did something special for yours on Mother's Day but if not, don't feel as though that's the only day that you should show appreciation and love to her. You don't want to look up one day and find out she's gone and you never gave her flowers while she was alive to smell them.

The Green-Eyed MONSTER

During the sermon today, my Pastor made a simple yet profound statement. He said "Jealousy is the fear of being replaced". I was astounded and was hung on that simple truth for the rest of the day! I have so often wondered what is the cause of that adverse reaction when someone is in your "territory". When we feel that someone will step in and be a better version of us....leaving us out in the cold.

Envy is slightly different. Envy speaks to wanting what someone else has. Or perhaps another way of looking at it is your wanting to become THEIR replacement. Interesting? I thought so.

I thought of the numerous times in relationships, especially when we learn what it is that our partner is drawn to or appreciates in a mate, we have the green-eyed monster rise up in us when those traits are in the room or perhaps have caught out lover's eye. How many times have you asked "What you lookin over there for!?" or "You see something you like?!" or "I see you peepin that nigga!" LOL A fight is sure to erupt after such jealousy-enduced outburts.

At what point does one get jealous? Just from a glance or stare? Or when there is conversation with that person? Or when there are phone numbers being exchanged? Or when our mate leaves the room to take certain phone calls? Or when he/she has become suspect of spending too damn much time with someone else? Memories are poppin up, huh? LOL Yeah I been through it too.

How does one control jealously, though? Is it all based in trust? Or is there a need for a complete mind change within ourselves first? Getting control of your jealousy does not mean getting control of your partner, it means getting a handle on your own emotions. But how do you do that? Or is it even necessary?? I've also heard it said that jealousy is a GOOD thing. It's been said that true love is jealous because it's the right relationship. A husband should jealously guard his love with his wife, and vice versa, because it's an exclusive right relationship. But there has to be a demarcation point, a thin dividing line that prevents that emotion from becoming fatal attraction or some shit.

I'm going to say the best practice would be openly communicating with your sweetheart to establish boundaries and simply give mutual respect. The Golden Rule goes a long way here. I wouldn't dare say I have it under control. I still roll my eyes when Soldierboy holds a glance for too long. But because I know I look too, I keeps my head together and move on with life because it's too damn short to be trippin off my overactive imagination or the fear of being replaced.

A pregnant and touring JHUD

Reports are flying around that my girl Jennifer Hudson is with child! I can only hope that things are looking brighter and more fulfilling for this awesomely talented woman who has recently suffered great loss in her life. There is joy to be found in nurturing relationships, as she is engaged to be married to David Otunga (PUNK from I Love New York) and certainly through developing new life. And speaking of New York... looks like she has a brand new 'reality show' coming up on VH1. I love her sassy attitude and raw over-the-top bitchiness but enough already! LOL Now back to topic... JENNIFER HUDSON could be a Mommy soon and that puts a smile on my face. Building family will be good for her and not taint her career, I believe, since she is viewed as a good girl...a wholesome 'old soul' of a woman. I wish her well and I'm waiting on my wedding invite in the mail. I had the wonderful pleasure of seeing her in concert the other night by the way!!! Robin Thicke opened the show (aaaand that's about all I wanna say about him. LOL He's OK, I'm just not a big fan.) Anyway, Jennifer did a great job for her first tour. Had peeps in the audience sing along on some songs. Some of them might actually need a record deal. Others were painful to listen to. She enjoyed hearing fans make a fool of themselves. LOL I enjoyed it too. She was very personable from stage (which looked like a crap with nothin more than a metal staircase thrown in the middle). I'ma need somebody to invest some money into her stage set. Low budget tour at it's finest. But indeed a nice effort for the first-time out. Anybody else seen the show or got thoughts? She is denying th pregnancy, by the way... hmmmmm

I hate it when you call me "Pa"!

I am a friendly guy. I have made several acquaintances and endearing friendships through cyberspace via social networking sites, instant messenger etc.. you get the picture! And after chatting for a while it's SOMETIMES nice to exchange phone numbers to become more accessible to those you have come to be comfy with and find mutual interests, lifestyles, or mindsets. Granted... this practice has backfired on me. Often dudes or ladies get tooo comfortable and want to text or call me at all hours - sending me those idiotic chain texts or asking me "What you doin?" at 3:00 in the frickin morning! I'm sleep, fool!!! Anyway, another such issue has popped up. Met this young dude. Wasn't tryna date him, get with him, sleep with him, NOTHING! Just being a nice guy since he seemed sane and mature. How bout this fella sends me a text almost every hour on the hour?? And what makes it worse, is that he calls me "Pa" like he invented the term! The first time I was called "Pa" (by someone else) was cute, even sexy. I liked it and even adopted it into my vocab when speaking to certain peeps. But this is waaaaaay outta hand now. LOL



This is an example of a convo we had yesterday:



Z "wat u doin pa?"



ME "nothing. at work"



Z "o ok pa. howz the day goin pa?"



ME "busy but it's cool"



Z "thatz gud. so whatz for lunch pa?"



ME "haven't thought about it yet"



Z "eat something for me 2 pa. lol"



((I don't respond as I'm annoyed now))



Z "so pa what u doin after work pa?"



((Again I ignore him))



Z "well make sure you call me when you get off pa"


((I did not call))


This is partial convo as he texts me through the evening and into the night asking me what I'm doing. I should just make him sign up to follow me on TWITTER!!! I ain't tryna be rude but DAMN!!

Not too far

Just updating to say I'm still around. Haven't commented and haven't blogged either (DUH). But I just wanted to say hello basically. Alot is going on. Some good.....some bad. But I'm alive and any day above ground is a good day. I'm making it and things can only get better. Right?

Rise and Shine

When I woke up this morning, my mind immediately went back to the stress that I laid down with last night and I was tempted to just lay there and sulk for a minute. But something came over me very quickly. I said to myself, "Self, get your ass out of this bed and have a good day!"

I'm sure we have heard so many times that it's counter-productive to start your day with a negative outlook. But having heard that isn't quite enough. It takes a change of mind. A change of heart. A determination that I'm going to look this day in the eye and command it to be exciting, fulfilling, and productive!

So I hit the floor with an expectation of a great day. Sure, everything is not where it ought to be in my life. My self-proclaimed issues and problems are still there but they don't have to ruin my day or wear me out emotionally, physically, or mentally! I've taken control of my day.

As you approach your mornings, spend time in meditation or prayer. Center yourself. Try not to sleep til the last possible minute. Look at it as an opportunity to effect change in something or someone and enjoy EVERY day. Rise and Shine!

DAMN! It's only Thursday

Where the hell is Friday? I am so sick of lookin at these co-workers and this prison cell of a cubicle already. This is the longest week EVER. UGH!!! I swear to Peter Pan I'm bout to pull one of these numbers (see video)! Well, at least he didn't go COMPLETELY postal....but DAYUM. His ass is probably STILL lookin for another job. LMAO

Let me KISS it

I absolutely love foreplay. Some guys overlook it in hopes of gettin right down to bizness. LOL I admit there is a time and place for the quickie but when there will be a hot freak session, I likes to take my time and get my mouth, and other body parts, wet! For me, kissing is a huge turn on!! OHH DAMN I love kissin (and not just the lips). Alternating and switching it up and gettin tongues involved is good to ME!. Yes indeed, my dudes....kissin turns me the fuck on. Told you that I was very oral. And these are my kissin lips:


I found a list of many different types of kissin. If you are with someone who loves to kiss...try something new and ignite the passion to another level. I picked out my faves.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++


All Over Kiss - It begins with kissing your partner's forehead, moving down slowly to the nose. Tenderly, with an aggressive feeling, give your partner your best kiss right on the lips. Next, move your way down and continue with your own imagination. *OH, HELL YEAH!!*




Back Kisses - Remove your partners shirt and have them lie down on their stomach. Sit comfortably over your partners lower back and start kissing from the neck all the way down their back, while softly licking & breathing where you have kissed. This will give your partner cold shivers and it is very exciting.




Earlobe Kiss - Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.


Tongue Kiss - While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!



Eye Kiss - Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.



Finger Kiss - While laying together gently suck on their fingers. This can be very seductive and pleasurable.



Foot Kiss - An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.



Forehead Kiss - The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.



French Kiss - This is the most popular type of kiss that involves kissing with an open mouth while your tongues touch each other's tongues.



Fruity Kiss - Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips and kiss your partner. Nibble one half of the piece of fruit while he or she nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.



Hickey Kiss - The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.



Hot and Cold Kiss - Lick your partner's lips so that they're warm, and then gently blow on them. The sudden cold blast makes for a sensual explosion, and they will often try it on you next, as well as get very passionate.



Ice Kiss - Take a piece of ice in your mouth and hold it on your tongue until it melts, then sneak up on your partner and quickly lick their cheek or neck. It provides a cold but great feeling.

Lick Kiss - Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it be the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.

Lip Sucking Kiss - When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.

Neck Nibble Kiss - Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.

Nip Kiss - This type of kiss has to be done carefully, but when done correctly can create a wonderful effect on your partner with a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips. You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. This kiss should only be done with someone that you've kissed a few times before, otherwise you may shock your partner.

Romantic Kiss - Look at your partner with passion, then gently move in for a kiss with your lips half open. As soon as you make contact, close your lips slowly. Open and close your lips three times then move away. They'll definitely want more!

Suck Kissing - A seductive type of kiss. Instead of French Kissing with your mouth open, while your partner's lips are parted suck on their top our bottom lip with your own, just for a second or two. Then go back to another type of kiss or try the other lip.

Shoulder Kiss - Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.

Surprise Kissing - This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.

Strawberry Kiss - Also known as the Fruiti-licious kiss. Eat a strawberry and kiss your partner, leaving a sweet taste in their mouth. It's fun and a really cute way to "feed" each other.

The Whipped Cream Kiss - Dip your finger into some cool whip or whipped cream of your choice. Lick it off slowly, then embrace your partner and kiss them deeply letting their tongue slip over yours for a wonderfully sweet kiss. It's very seductive and passionate.

Trickle Kiss - Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.

Vacuum Kiss - While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth. This is a playful kiss.

Wet Kiss - Once you have been kissing enough that both of your lips are wet, with your mouth barely open, gently rub back and forth, up and down, around and around.

Hot, right? *wink*

What about us?

Maybe I'm trippin but I am pissed off at Shine. I really don't have much room to be since he and I don't officailly date and have never expressed any real feelings beyond friendship but I found out some disturbing news about him yesterday evening.

HE'S DATING THIS CHICK FROM MY CHURCH!

I really have to sort all this out in my head. From what I was innocently told by one of our friends, they just started seeing each other. But where I find issue is that he and I have become very very good friends and we flirt feverishly and stuff and there is no way he could have possibly figured I wouldn't find out, right? I mean seriously! Like I said, she goes to church with me! I know I'm way off base even having a problem with his decision. As it is, I am kinda "seeing" Soldierboy again but I've been holding myself back while I sorted feelings for the two of them. I always knew Shine doesn't want to be openly gay and have anything get back to his peeps about he's dating a dude. I understand that first-hand and would never divulge his private dealings! I guess he chose to go the cover-up route and date this woman. She's sweet and all but I just have these thoughts in the recesses of my mind that wish he and I would take a shot at being together.

I'm gonna leave him alone. I refuse to be messy or catty and try to ruin their chances at something significant. That's NOT me at all. If he wants to date a woman, then cool with me. We will be friends still but I really hope he doesn't just neglect to tell me from his own mouth that he is seeing her. What's the big secret? I thought we were better than that.....

Am I trippin??????

Ameri-can't Idol

Is it just me or are we plagued yearly by those American Idol contestants that have no business making it to the top 12, let alone the top 50 or even top 10,000 for that matter?

There are always strange twists and sometimes even those we expect to see go sailing through the competition, get the boot early on.

I'm not all into it like I have been in years past but I pop in on the Fox network to see what's going on each week. Last week, I wasn't too surprised with the outcome - other than the top voted female. I mean she aight but I don't wanna see her week after week. One young lady named Tatiana (right) who I felt could do well vocally with her smoky soulful sound was a complete and utter wreck in the personality department. It was actually painful to watch her. And when she was eliminated, I laughed my ass off at how juvenile she responded. I was rather shocked and she should be embarrassed. Dude named Anoop (below), who could easily pass for Sanjaya's (remember her?...I mean him?) tamer, less lady-like cousin, was a decent singer but they sent him home last week too, to my surprise.

I wanted see one of the very few Black faces make it through. Stephen Fowler (left)

has a really nice voice but he chose the wrong song. We know how that goes. I love "Rock with You" by Micheal Jackson but no, Stephen. No. The 2 fellas that made it are OK and that's really all I can say about them. LOL

Wednesday night I was disgusetd to see the antics of a certain Nick Mitchell (below right). What the F*CK? Get off the stage. How in the hell did you steal a real singer's chance with your unfunny buffoonery and lack of singing talent? Are you for real? I guess.

Then there were the 2 sistas from that night. Jeanine and Jasmine. How disappointing. I don't believe they sung what fit them. Sing something that means something. Where are the Fantasia's of AI? The Latoya London's? The Melinda Doolittle'? s REPRESENT SISTAS!! Please? I'm kinda glad they were sent home last night. I'm very glad Allison Iraheta made it through and also Adam Lambert (left) (this glam-rocker lookin dude can SQUALL. You better holla white boy! LOL). 18 year old Mishavonna was good too but maybe not really ready. And I can't say a word about any of it cause I didn't vote. Oops. LOL

I don't get all excited about the show like I used to. I just like to see how terrible singers get up there and butcher great songs or choose the wrong ones! Like I said, not expecting much this year but I'm sure I will be commenting from time to time on the parade of disappointment.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND MY DUDES!!

Molestation to Maturity

I'm about to share something with you guys that I have only mentioned in vague affirmative to about 3 other people in my entire life. It involves a subject of a very sensitive nature as you can tell by the title. The thing is, I have such secured thoughts and pent up emotion, fears, and wonder when it comes to this topic. It is a hidden, though very real, part of my life's history.

I grew up in a large and very religious family unit. We were close with our extended families as well as our immediate aunts, uncles, and cousins etc. This fostered what would appear to be a very safe and enjoyable environment to grow up around. And for the most part, I have fond memories of holidays and sleep-overs with my first and second cousins. Dinners and games and the list goes on. We had a tight bond and life was pretty cool for me as a child.

I recall though, at the the age of 6 or 7, during the time of being at my grandparents home on one particular night, I was told to sleep in bed with my 16 year old uncle Larry because there was a house full of adults and children alike. You slept where you could! It was no biggie and I obliged. It beat sleeping on the floor any day. However, on that night, something very strange occurred. Here I am sleeping soundly in bed with my basketball star uncle with the jheri curl that swung when he dribbled the orange ball up and down the court during his high school games. The same uncle that frequently had beautiful young ladies calling the house and dropping by my grandparents home to get his attention. The same uncle who was the baby of all the siblings. My mother's little brother. The uncle with pranks and jokes who made everyone laugh. Who made everyone comfortable - including myself......... so it didn't bother me so much (however strange) that during the night, he decided to "spoon" with me. I'm a young child feeling safe and accepted and comfy in the arms of my "cool" uncle Larry. Things might have been alright if it ended there, but true to form, it progressed to other activities. To spare you the gory details I can tell you that I assisted him in gettin his rocks off and I had no idea where that sticky stuff was coming from as it seemed to just appear between my legs after a period or rubbing and gyrating my body on top of his. There was never any penetration, nothing ever hurt me physically, and truth be told, I felt special that he chose to be that close to me for whatever reason he chose to at the time. I had no concept of sex, so it wasn't something that I got that kind of pleasure from. He didn't even have to tell me not to tell anyone what happened. I was happy with this secret. My cool uncle Larry must think I'm cool too! He didn't take my virginity as it were, but he did take my innocence. I was seeing things that a young boy should not see (erect penis, pubic hair, and ejaculate..moaning and groaning of a practically grown man). I never understood it and strangely didn't question it either.

As the next 2-3 years went on, this activity continued until my family moved out state. Once I began to learn about abuse and molestation, I realized that I was actually a victim myself. But why didn't I feel the same as these traumatized people?? I did feel used and questions began to accumulate as I grew into adulthood and I wondered if what happened to me as a boy actually affected or somehow caused my growing attraction to those of the same sex.

Needless to say, I'm sure (with my upbringing), I tried like hell to repress my feelings because I didn't want to go to hell for being a sissy. I dated numerous girls. My wet dreams involved females only and I really like spending time with "the ladies" and engaging in sexual talk with them. But I never had sex until I was sixteen and was shown the ropes by another dude. He eased my d*ck into his warm a$$ and I almost passed out from the pleasure. It was familiar yet not so much. And again....it felt comfortable. Natural even. So the age-old question of us being BORN GAY, still marinates in my mind. I believe with the emotions and depth of feelings I have carried for brothas that I never have for a woman, I truly cannot come to a conclusion. Even after having been married to a wonderful woman whose story I lost interest in reading and who never wanted to see the full me. I just know what I know and feel what I feel.

To this day, I have not confronted my uncle with what took place between us those innumerable times and I never told my parents. He never acted any different and has never treated me better or worse than anyone else. He talks to me like nothing ever happened and I truly would love to crawl into his head and read his thoughts when he sees me. There is no way he doesn't remember. Could he have blocked it out? Does he feel it was of no effect on me? I have other male cousins younger than myself and I wonder if they went through it too. Uncle Larry married and had a son of his own! Did he mess with him too? Many times this behavior perpetuates and repeats itself but I have never even fathomed the thought of touching a child in a sexual way. Child molesters repulse me to be honest. Also, many children who are abused, find themselves with very little sexual inhibition as they get older. I have had some issues there from time to time: having sex just because or having pity sex or having more than one sexual partner at a time or more than one sexual partner within the same day. In the past few years I have reeled myself in from such things. Thank God. But for whatever reason uncle Larry is uncle Larry and he's still pretty cool to me. A couple years ago I chose not to hold unforgiveness and bitterness but I'm not too sure I have truly dealt with it in a healing sort of way.

I haven't had a complete thought on this issue...ever...until now. I'm glad I have this forum to sort my reflections and feelings a little. Thanks to you for "listening".

I'm addicted to CARMEX

It's really a damn shame. And a little embarassing. LOL

OK, so I am dressed and ready to dash out the door to work this morning. It's Friday and I can wear jeans so I wake up at the last minute, shower and do what I do. On the way to the door I check my pockets for the essentials. These include my wallet, my keys, my security badge for work and my CARMEX!! The latter of which is no where to be found. PANIC. I'm tearing up stuff. Checkin my slacks from yesterday. Checked the bathroom. Checked under the bed. Checked behind the dresser. Checked alllll over the car. Can you believe, I was almost in tears trying to find this stupid little stick of frickin CARMEX?? LOL Plus I was soon running late for work, pulling my dreads out over something that cost me like a $1.19. Told you I have OCD tendencies. Issues and problems. I finally found it in the chest pocket of my coat once I decided I could possibly make it thru the day without it and still not need therapy. LOL

SIDENOTE: What happened to the mint flavored Carmex? They used to sell em at Walgreen's and now they have disappeared. I went online and found ONE, count em, 1, single, solo stick of mint flavored Carmex for $16 and change. The devil is a liar!!!

I know you have your own outrageous addictions. Feel free to share.... I have no room to judge. LOL

You can get with this! Or you can get with that!

Yo fellas! I've been so frickin busy and I actually just returned from somewhat of a vacation over the "long" weekend. Life is back to normal now, though....sort of. I briefly gave a rundown of the 4 plus years that Soldierboy and I have been giving each other various doses of joy and pain. I also mentioned that we recently have been spending many hours together and to be honest it's been pretty nice. Valentine's day was sweet and all. I even told him I love him because I do - despite the fact that I'm in a state of uncertainty when it comes to completely tearing down my walls. I've removed bricks and allowed his words and gestures to gently stroke me again in those protected places of my heart.

In all that, I failed to mention that someone else is in the picture. As you can imagine, this dude showed up out of the blue. Flashed that smile and gave me butterflies. Made my hands sweaty when we'd see each other. Got me feelin some kinda way when I wasn't lookin. I'll call him Shine (due to the way I light up when he's around). He is slim and chocolate brown. Handsome with dark eyebrows and boyish charm. He is a friend of a friend. This mutual friend lives in another state and made sure Shine and I met since we now live in the same city. At first I thought he was cute but unassuming. But our conversation over Olive Garden salad and breadsticks turned him into a mystery unfolding. I was smitten by the end of the night. Of course there was much more to see and discover and I felt adventurous. Mind you, this was during the time that Soldierboy and I were on sharp rocks and I was free to be me. I pursued Shine in a subtle way. Never overbearing in my approach to potential boyfriends, lovers, suitors, whatever you wanna call em. He caught my hints. The look in his chestnut-brown eyes and the bulge in his pants whenever we'd give those "See you later" hugs told me he was feelin me too. When we talk its hushed and warm, almost seductive. But I never wanted to rush him because he seems so bashful and reserved. The couple months that we have hung out and integrated a few friends over dinner or a movie have been bittersweet because we have unspoken feelings for each other and it's painfully obvious. I won't say I love him. I don't. But it's something. I buy him gifts on the whim and text him everytime I think about him. He does the same things. I ALMOST feel like I'm cheating on Soldierboy now that we are seeing wasup. But Shine and I have not so much as even kissed. I'm in turmoil. I mean, do I go for what I know and stick to the familiar yet tainted life I've been living or open up and take a chance at something that could possibly be a dream come true???

40 Random Truths Bout Me

This list is a relatively short but I just wanted to throw some stuff out there!!



*I'm a PK and a military brat.

*I've lived in 9 different cities, 5 states, 2 countries.

*My favorite color is GREEN (color of life...oh and MONEY).

*My favorite food is Italian.

*I hate flower prints on ANYTHING in my house.

*I lost my virginity when I was 16 to another 16 year old dude.

*I want to visit Egypt, Italy, and Japan very soon. Just because.

*Sometimes I laugh so loud I have to tell MYSELF to keep it down.

*I used to drink Dr. Pepper with every meal - including breakfast.

*I tend to wear Hip Hop gear. Considered the 'thug' amongst my group of friends but I'm totally not a thug.

*I would never date a thug but that saggin is fuckin SEXY!

*I have a wild addiction to the male ass! I stare on the cool. Love pics especially when there is hair down there. LOVE it.

*I own so many CDs that I have them stored at three different locations.

*I want children but I don't want to get married again.

*Oh yeah - I was married once.

*As a kid I loved fried bologna and grape jelly sandwiches. Now I DETEST bologna!

*During sex I am very very oral. I will put my mouth about anywhere.

*I've had sex in cars, bathrooms, clubs, and outside.

*I still wonder why Smurfette was the only female Smurf. I bet she was BUSY!!

*I have an Ipod but I've never used it.

*I sing

*I write

*I draw

*I paint

*I was a thespain in high school.

*On stage, I've played a preacher, a British guy, a cave dweller, a child, a gay prince (LOL), a dancer, a Puerto Rican gangster, an abusive father, and a judge.

*My best feature is my lips (not counting my third leg. LOL)

*I love 80s "Soft Rock" music.

*I wear glasses just for the look.

*The movie 'Candyman' actually scared me.

*I used to have a huge crush on Tevin Campbell.

*I've listened to grown folks music since I was 10.

*I will mix Vodka with....anything.

*I've never lost or broken a cell phone.

*I have OCD tendencies.

*I've never hit my nieces or nephews and I buy them random stuff.

*I smoked weed once and it made me hella horny. And hungry too, of course.

*I say LisaRaye is the most beautiful, sexy, fine woman EVER.

*I think that's quite enough

Whitney lookin goooood!

Whitney Houston receives a standing ovation when she takes the stage at the 2nd Annual BET Honors Award Ceremony, held in D.C this year. Houston was there to present an award to honoree Tyler Perry. The event, hosted by Gabrielle Union, will air on BET February 9th.

~----~

I am excited to see what happens. She indeed LOOKS far better than I have observed in years. So let's hope that the woman who was the object of my affection during my puberty still has at least some of what it takes to make a solid comeback. It's been a long time coming so let's hope for the best. I don't know if she is performing at the awards show. There was no mention of that but hopefully in the near future, a living legend can regain her composure AND her throne. Some 'blasts from the past' need to remain in obscurity, but the industry could use what Whitney has if she delivers it right: real music and powerhouse vocals. We've seen the emergence of some real singers lately like Ledisi and Jazzmine Sullivan and Fantasia and Jennifer Hudson nem....but this is one lady I wouldn't mind seeing rejoin the ranks.

I'ma cut this ho

I think we all have at least that one co-worker that just irks the living crap out of us! Well mine is this 200% white lady named Beth (I didn't change the name) who looks way older than she is, I've found. As it is she sits directly across from me. All that seperates our cubicles is a little half wall. I'm tellin you I'm gonna bring in some old cardboard boxes and build a WHOLE wall with office desk tape and push pins and staples!!!! She annoys me with incesent stories about her BIG FUN times at the buffet or at Wal-Mart with the fat hubby and their little fat offspring. I just smile and throw in a "Wow" or a "Are you serious?" with buttloads of fake sincerity and disinterest. She doesn't get it.

But adding insult to injury, she decides to come to work for the past week and a half with the most mack truck sounding cough I have ever heard. Sounds like she is chokin' on a Doberman. Take that germ-infested bark to the house and kill it with good drugs like the rest of us do! Our office is generally pretty quiet until she erupts!! Half the time I jump and consequently roll my eyes so hard I think I'm bout to pass out. I'm not insensitive to the sick but she has health insurance (she was so forthcoming in tellin me all the details about the policy *rolls eyes again*)... so USE IT! And did I mention she smokes like a '72 Pinto?? Must be 10 packs a day. She takes more smoke breaks than should be allowed by law and brings that funk into my vicinity and then spreads all that gunk together so I can inhale it. She and my boss are buddies and I wish he would move her hackin ass down there by HIS office. I don't need this agitation and disturbance! Oh, but let me sneeze and she will be the first one screaming "DISINFECT!! HAHAHA" You ain't funny, ho!

I am furious and just had to tell somebody. LOL

Weekend Woes

There really ain't much to get excited about concerning my weekend. I did spend a considerable amount of time with Soldierboy. But we just ate and laid up lookin stupid. No sex or NOTHIN. GGRRRR The only time I was really away from him was when I dropped in on a birthday party for good homie. OK...it wasn't a party. It was a dinner! Since when did we get so old that we don't have good old-fashioned parties anymore? DANG!! Turn some music on in this joint. LOL But there is a time and place for everything...so I only stayed a couple hours. Other than that, I attended church on Sunday and them folks must have bucked and danced for blood up in there! Good 'ol sanctified church. Gotta love it. Pastor preached a powerful word and he sung his heart out at the end of service. I know every pastor swears they can sing but mine actually can. LOL

I slept through the Super Bowl. *shrugs* Who performed the half-time show anyway??

All I really felt like doing was sleeping. It's entirely too cold to be running the streets. The hawk was out and I hate for my face to be cold. So yeah. I slept. Alot. How boring. Maybe I AM getting old.

Is it really February already?? Time is flying by so gangsta. I really have to commit to accomplishing something significant this year. Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up for now...but I'm so serious.

Tax Refund = Shopping Spree??

So employers are supposedly required by law to send out the W2 no later than January 31st, which is tomorrow. With that in mind, there are tons of people filing taxes in hopes of gettin that fat IRS tax refund check!! Of course there are loads of personal and financial factors that determine how much that will be or if you will actually have to PAY Uncle Sam this year! I have graciously accepted check after check every year since I was 16 working my first job at Wendy's (secret: never eat the chili there). LOL Anyway... I was thinkin bout the money I've gotten back and wasted on garbage. Splurging! I even recall the couple of years when I was young and my sister allowed me to claim my niece as a dependant. I SWORE TO GOD that I was filthy rich when that check had like 3 zeros! It was like $2,000 or sumthin. Whew!! I've done way better since then. Maturity is a muh-fugga. So this year I'm again making a conscious effort to avoid that URGE to SPLURGE cause lawd knows there are some things I indeed WANT:

-18" Alba Heist Chrome Rims for the ride

-A manly fur coat (if that really exists). A brotha loves luxury!

-Austin Boots (leather and suede) by COACH

-Sony 40" LCD HDTV

-Samsung Instinct Phone (yes, I have Sprint, the suckas!)

-A couple Extrema by Zanetti suits. BUTTA!

Notice that these are all just things I could want but again I'm going to be practical. But if you feel generous with your lovely refund, I am accepting gifts all year long. LOL Just be wise, ladies and gents. Don't let them refunds burn a hole in your pocket. INVEST. SAVE. PAY DEM DAMN BILLS OFF! Now, If that sexy Obama sends these stimulus checks, I might have to release myself like a good nut. AAAHHHHHHHHHH

Have an awesome and exciting weekend. I can only hope mine is somewhere along those lines.

Um, Do I Know You?

OK.. so here I go spillin my guts:

I had been in a relationship for a good four years with "Soldierboy". They were the worst of times and the best of times. You know how it goes. Started out unexpected - someone I met online for a hookup actually. Turned into one of the most invigorating and enlightening conversations I had ever had. So now, I'm attracted to AND intrigued by this fella. Yeah we had sex anyway but I wanted to get to know him and get to know him I did!

It started out wonderful. One learning experience after another and plenty of laughs. The constant exchange of thoughts and ideas on innumerable topics and issues and the sex was delicious.

Time goes by and we hit our bumps in the road. Lies, fights, deceit, CHEATING all entered the picture and we got over it eventually. I mean this is love and relationships take work. We accepted each other - flaws and all. But dude would shut down when he was upset, angry, suspicious, jealous, menstrual? (hell, I don't know). He would just stop talking. Walk past me as if I wasn't there. For days. Then he was asking me about numbers and texts in my cell phone and people on my MySpace page. Then he forbid me of hanging out with friends. He accused me of using him although (in my mind) we had agreed that I would go to school full-time and work part-time so I could obtain my degree for the better of US. Mind you, I was cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and alla dat! Needless to say, I dropped out of school and got a full-time job, coming straight home everyday and...yeah that's about it. Trapped in the house with his bad attitude while he ignored my pleas for communication. When he did speak, it consisted of things that hurt me to the core, things that still sting when I remember them.

Then I woke up one day.... Thank you, Jennifer Hudson, for "Spotlight"!!! OMG

I packed my lil stuff and moved in with a friend for a few weeks until I got my own spot. Time passed. I felt a sense of freedom. Maybe too much. I turned into a flat-out whore. (UGH typing that feels nasty. LOL) Anyway, about 3 months and too much sex later, here comes Soldierboy with the whole "I've changed" routine. I was over the sexaholic stage but not ready for the emotions and inevitable discussions. BUT now I'm caught up again. I'm in total limbo. I have seen his changes over the past couple months and I think it's genuine. It's like a whole new person. I catch myself lookin at him like... DO I KNOW YOU?

I do still love him but I don't know if I wanna go there with him again.

*SIGH*

This is ME (sorta)

Been hovering around blogosphere for a minute and decided to jump out here and put in my two cents too, damnit. LOL

I am a 30-something Bi-sexual (leaning toward Gay) Black Male. Considered good-looking, I stand 5'9" and rock 165 lbs but this ain't no personal ad so who cares. My thoughts vary greatly on music, fashion, sex, pop-culture, news, God, and life in general. Everything about me is not GAY or even BLACK so who knows what might fly outta my brain. I consider myself somewhat of an artist. I can naturally do many creative things we call "art" but none of them well enough to go professional. Go figure. My image is protected for reasons I will explain as we take this journey together but I vaguely look like this (locs and all):

I love to write and have done so for a number of years: articles, reviews, fantasty, short stories and so forth. This is a little new to me and I am a novice but I think I have learned some very valuable rules and such for blogging and I hope to provide some interesting things to read about, ponder, argue, laugh at, or even question but that's how it goes around here, right?


I suppose that's enough for now. I think I'm going to enjoy this outlet.


BTW: I'm at work and I feel sneaky as hell. LOL Oh well..........