Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Molestation to Maturity

I'm about to share something with you guys that I have only mentioned in vague affirmative to about 3 other people in my entire life. It involves a subject of a very sensitive nature as you can tell by the title. The thing is, I have such secured thoughts and pent up emotion, fears, and wonder when it comes to this topic. It is a hidden, though very real, part of my life's history.

I grew up in a large and very religious family unit. We were close with our extended families as well as our immediate aunts, uncles, and cousins etc. This fostered what would appear to be a very safe and enjoyable environment to grow up around. And for the most part, I have fond memories of holidays and sleep-overs with my first and second cousins. Dinners and games and the list goes on. We had a tight bond and life was pretty cool for me as a child.

I recall though, at the the age of 6 or 7, during the time of being at my grandparents home on one particular night, I was told to sleep in bed with my 16 year old uncle Larry because there was a house full of adults and children alike. You slept where you could! It was no biggie and I obliged. It beat sleeping on the floor any day. However, on that night, something very strange occurred. Here I am sleeping soundly in bed with my basketball star uncle with the jheri curl that swung when he dribbled the orange ball up and down the court during his high school games. The same uncle that frequently had beautiful young ladies calling the house and dropping by my grandparents home to get his attention. The same uncle who was the baby of all the siblings. My mother's little brother. The uncle with pranks and jokes who made everyone laugh. Who made everyone comfortable - including myself......... so it didn't bother me so much (however strange) that during the night, he decided to "spoon" with me. I'm a young child feeling safe and accepted and comfy in the arms of my "cool" uncle Larry. Things might have been alright if it ended there, but true to form, it progressed to other activities. To spare you the gory details I can tell you that I assisted him in gettin his rocks off and I had no idea where that sticky stuff was coming from as it seemed to just appear between my legs after a period or rubbing and gyrating my body on top of his. There was never any penetration, nothing ever hurt me physically, and truth be told, I felt special that he chose to be that close to me for whatever reason he chose to at the time. I had no concept of sex, so it wasn't something that I got that kind of pleasure from. He didn't even have to tell me not to tell anyone what happened. I was happy with this secret. My cool uncle Larry must think I'm cool too! He didn't take my virginity as it were, but he did take my innocence. I was seeing things that a young boy should not see (erect penis, pubic hair, and ejaculate..moaning and groaning of a practically grown man). I never understood it and strangely didn't question it either.

As the next 2-3 years went on, this activity continued until my family moved out state. Once I began to learn about abuse and molestation, I realized that I was actually a victim myself. But why didn't I feel the same as these traumatized people?? I did feel used and questions began to accumulate as I grew into adulthood and I wondered if what happened to me as a boy actually affected or somehow caused my growing attraction to those of the same sex.

Needless to say, I'm sure (with my upbringing), I tried like hell to repress my feelings because I didn't want to go to hell for being a sissy. I dated numerous girls. My wet dreams involved females only and I really like spending time with "the ladies" and engaging in sexual talk with them. But I never had sex until I was sixteen and was shown the ropes by another dude. He eased my d*ck into his warm a$$ and I almost passed out from the pleasure. It was familiar yet not so much. And again....it felt comfortable. Natural even. So the age-old question of us being BORN GAY, still marinates in my mind. I believe with the emotions and depth of feelings I have carried for brothas that I never have for a woman, I truly cannot come to a conclusion. Even after having been married to a wonderful woman whose story I lost interest in reading and who never wanted to see the full me. I just know what I know and feel what I feel.

To this day, I have not confronted my uncle with what took place between us those innumerable times and I never told my parents. He never acted any different and has never treated me better or worse than anyone else. He talks to me like nothing ever happened and I truly would love to crawl into his head and read his thoughts when he sees me. There is no way he doesn't remember. Could he have blocked it out? Does he feel it was of no effect on me? I have other male cousins younger than myself and I wonder if they went through it too. Uncle Larry married and had a son of his own! Did he mess with him too? Many times this behavior perpetuates and repeats itself but I have never even fathomed the thought of touching a child in a sexual way. Child molesters repulse me to be honest. Also, many children who are abused, find themselves with very little sexual inhibition as they get older. I have had some issues there from time to time: having sex just because or having pity sex or having more than one sexual partner at a time or more than one sexual partner within the same day. In the past few years I have reeled myself in from such things. Thank God. But for whatever reason uncle Larry is uncle Larry and he's still pretty cool to me. A couple years ago I chose not to hold unforgiveness and bitterness but I'm not too sure I have truly dealt with it in a healing sort of way.

I haven't had a complete thought on this issue...ever...until now. I'm glad I have this forum to sort my reflections and feelings a little. Thanks to you for "listening".


Losojosnuevos said...

First off, thank you for sharing. It seems like you have answered many of the questions you posed. Some would highlight these experiences as the root cause of your (our) deviant sexual behavior. Obviously, the behavior was initiated by a trusted adult and became normalized. Your spiritual beliefs taught that same-sex behaviors were evil, so you sought to repress them. Ultimately, no none knows exactly why homosexuality manifests. I'm glad it does. Sexuality is a fluid entity. There are plenty of people who were molested and differentiated in a heterosexual manner. Basically, it is what it is. Again, thank you for sharing your experience. I pray that you continue to heal and forgive.

deonte' k said...

Man thanks for sharing this story man. It was very touching. I'm almost speechless. It took some guts to lay this out man. And believe it or not, some1 could benefit from reading this.

deonte' k said...

..as well learn something!!! :)

I truly appreciate your honesty.

The Antonym said...

LOS - Man thanks for your thoughts. You make valid points. I am still working on me through this ordeal.

DEONTE K - It was not easy, believe me but it feels good to get it out. I also hope someone else is helped in knowing there are not alone.

Q said...

Wow, you are so brave. I have family member that have been the victim of molestation. I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal. You are my hero.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Very brave and very interesting indeed. People more often than not assume that someone who is gay was molested. I've been asked that question several times and I always answer "No. If I was, I don't remember."


The Antonym said...

Q - Thank you SO much. WOW. I just felt the need to get it out. Your hero? Man...that brought me to tears.

BLAQ - You are so right..it's assumed so often but I know plenty of fellas who were never molested and are Gold Star gay. You feel me? Nothing is black and white. There are shades of gray.

That Dude Right There said...

I'm not even surprised at the number of children who are molested. But even though it happened to me when I was 6 and again at 8, I refuse to think of myself as a victim.