OK.. so here I go spillin my guts:
I had been in a relationship for a good four years with "Soldierboy". They were the worst of times and the best of times. You know how it goes. Started out unexpected - someone I met online for a hookup actually. Turned into one of the most invigorating and enlightening conversations I had ever had. So now, I'm attracted to AND intrigued by this fella. Yeah we had sex anyway but I wanted to get to know him and get to know him I did!
It started out wonderful. One learning experience after another and plenty of laughs. The constant exchange of thoughts and ideas on innumerable topics and issues and the sex was delicious.
Time goes by and we hit our bumps in the road. Lies, fights, deceit, CHEATING all entered the picture and we got over it eventually. I mean this is love and relationships take work. We accepted each other - flaws and all. But dude would shut down when he was upset, angry, suspicious, jealous, menstrual? (hell, I don't know). He would just stop talking. Walk past me as if I wasn't there. For days. Then he was asking me about numbers and texts in my cell phone and people on my MySpace page. Then he forbid me of hanging out with friends. He accused me of using him although (in my mind) we had agreed that I would go to school full-time and work part-time so I could obtain my degree for the better of US. Mind you, I was cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and alla dat! Needless to say, I dropped out of school and got a full-time job, coming straight home everyday and...yeah that's about it. Trapped in the house with his bad attitude while he ignored my pleas for communication. When he did speak, it consisted of things that hurt me to the core, things that still sting when I remember them.
Then I woke up one day.... Thank you, Jennifer Hudson, for "Spotlight"!!! OMG
I packed my lil stuff and moved in with a friend for a few weeks until I got my own spot. Time passed. I felt a sense of freedom. Maybe too much. I turned into a flat-out whore. (UGH typing that feels nasty. LOL) Anyway, about 3 months and too much sex later, here comes Soldierboy with the whole "I've changed" routine. I was over the sexaholic stage but not ready for the emotions and inevitable discussions. BUT now I'm caught up again. I'm in total limbo. I have seen his changes over the past couple months and I think it's genuine. It's like a whole new person. I catch myself lookin at him like... DO I KNOW YOU?
I do still love him but I don't know if I wanna go there with him again.